Watch Night 2010

This is it: Watch Night.

I grew up thinking (even though no one explicitly said so) that Watch Night was when the faithful congregants of our church gathered to "watch" for the coming of the Lord. I have since learned, that it's just the way that we traditionally ring in the new year. With prayer, giving thanks for the prior year, fellowship, and Holy Communion. So...given my error in thinking, I decided to look it up: Watch Night.

There is a lot of information, some of it reaching back to John Wesley, which then links back to the Moravian Brethren. Things I know absolutely, positively, NOTHING about. So, I had to look back to the first night service that meant something to ME. Culturally. And for me, the first Watch Night service took place December 31, 1862.

And so on December 31, 1862 hundreds of thousands of African slaves were hoping for their freedom. Why? Because on January 1, 1863 is the date that the Emancipation Proclamation was to be signed. That was the first Watch Night, slaves anticipating the arrival of change. It probably wasn't a religious service that first time, though I'm sure some people prayed. That first Watch Night was undoubtedly about hope. And it's fitting because every New Year's Eve, the world over holds an element of this feeling. This awesome feeling that the thing we want most...that it can actually be had. It can be HAD!

Personal Application

My 2010 had some terrible parts. Parts that, honestly, I don't want to take into 2011 with me. But there are some things over which I have no control. Things that I cannot resolve to do. So this year, instead of New Year's resolutions, I have New Year's hopes:

Job 4:6 - I hope that this year  my confidence is 100% in Christ, and His Will for me. Confidence in my "righteousness" and in my "piety" and the expected resultant blessings is super dumb. I'm hoping that I don't take the bad advice that Job's friends were giving him.

Job 6:11 - I hope for endurance and faith that never fails. I hope and pray that the Lord blesses me with a new measure of faith. I don't have to depend on my strength in order to maintain hope, because when I am weak, then am I strong (2 Corinthians 12:10)

Romans 5:5 - I hope for hope. I know that hope never fails, or leaves me feeling like an idiot (I often feel like an idiot). Why? Because this particular hope is based on my knowledge of God's love for me.
 
2 Corinthians 1:10 - I hope for my deliverance. Certain perils have already been overcome...and those are faith-builders, hope builders.

Those are my hopes. But I have to live them...like they're real. That's the way to become free. On January 1, 1863 there were lots of people who just trusted in the proclamation and walked off. They just walked off like: "yo...I'm free. Deuces!"  Others just waited for someone to tell them they were free. I spent a lot of 2010 sick and lonely, but I'm not waiting for a doctor, or some dude to tell me I'm free. My hope is in the Lord, and I'm boldly walking into 2011 claiming happiness and freedom (not necessarily physically...but in all realms of my life) based on my hope in a proclamation that's like two thousand and ten years old (give or take a few years):


If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.

Happy New Year! 

Friday Night Fright!

My eyes become heavy. My limbs become cold. My head starts to get that fuzzy feeling, and my breathing becomes slow and difficult. It’s a reaction. A bad one, to be sure. Not quite a panic attack, not quite a tantrum…because there is an element of acceptance in it. There is an element of defeat and self-loathing because I’ve done it AGAIN. I have agreed to go out on a Friday night.

I don't really like going out on Friday nights.

That’s right! I said it! I have kept this secret for fear of derision and judgment. Judged as this loser who likes to snuggle up on the couch in sweats watching movies or catching up on TiVo because they have no friends and no significant other.

Well so be it. I LIKE movies and my TiVo is backed up for miles. I'm behind on The Good Wife and Modern Family. Also, umm...I ADORE sweats. And I have friends! A significant other? Uh...the Lord has not yet seen fit to umm...don't worry about that! That's SO not the issue. We’ve all heard the cautionary tale of the single girl, alone and dateless on Friday night, but truth be told, I don’t think I have ever felt depressed regarding a Friday night in. 

Caveat 1: Saturday is different. If no one calls, texts, e-mails or otherwise tries to contact me on a Saturday, I feel like a social pariah. Friday serves its purpose, but Saturday is for partying. If there's no party, my eyes well up with crocodile tears and pastors may need to be contacted.

Caveat 2: Likewise, on Sunday afternoons, if no one hits me up for brunch and a movie, tears gather at the corners of my eyes. If Sunday isn't met with eggs benedict, or a sushi dinner with friends, or at least a long walk (not in the winter...never in the winter), then really...it's just laundry day. And that is super demoralizing. 

But on Friday…if the phone rings, if g-chat lights up orange, or a chain e-mail graces my inbox…I get a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach as a realization hits me: the Friday night I had dreamed of is dead. Deader than a doornail (bah humbug).

Perhaps saying that I "dream" up a certain Friday night is misleading. It's more that that. On Friday’s I sit at my desk, in my cold office, in Arlington , VA and I fantasize of sleeping. I dream of going home, throwing off the work clothes that so easily beset me, sinking my body into soft high thread-count sheets, curling rapturously beneath warm blankets and letting my mind empty of worry…empty of meaning as I drift into perfect naptime. I know you may be thinking: Girl…you have seriously over-romanticized a nap. NO! This is real to me.  Some people dream of Mr. Right. If you’re an accountant, you dream of sleep. On Friday’s when someone invites me out, my mind says yes, but my body screams no. It’s like a secular war between spirit and flesh. Sad. But all I want is naptime. And when I wake up...at say 1 or 2 am, I then watch TV, play on the internet, watch movies, and amuse myself until the sun is up because I CAN. All that dissipates with a dinner in D.C., or ice skating at the sculpture garden, or a night of dancing. 

Don't get me wrong. Once, I'm doing the aforementioned things...I'm having a ball. But you can't get the Friday back. You can't reclaim lost sleep, and TiVo just gets more backed up. Stop asking me out? Please don't. But please know what that hesitation and trepidation is before I give in. That's me hearing the "che che che che, ha ha ha ha" of Jason coming to murder my Friday.  

Side note: Isn't that little picture so cute?...Jason can't kill anyone because it's the 12th and not the 13th! Hilarious!

That is all. Now, I'm heading out to dinner. Ciao!

Critical Mass

Okay, I've been gone a long time, but I feel like I should write a blog post. Today, at work...I had a slight episode with my hand, a blood flow issue that freaked me out and made me run home, take meds, and veg out on the couch. And on that couch, where sleep alluded me I thought all sort of negative thoughts: I'll never get married! I'll never have kids! THIS is the last Christmas! It was like all these fears were exploding in my head. And it made me think of a nuclear chain reaction. An emotional nuclear chain reaction. All this led to me thinking: what's my critical mass?

Critical Mass - the smallest amount of fissile material needed for a sustained nuclear chain reaction.

My critical mass is fear. And believe me...it doesn't take much. Fear is the material that splits up, and divides my faith. And when my faith is jacked up...I have these self-propagating, destructive thoughts (an emotional nuclear chain reaction).

How do I stop this? HOW?!!

There is some super scientific answer (neuron absorption or whatever) that I don't understand AT ALL...but on a more personal and immediate level...does it suck to say the answer is prayer? It seems so puny, so inconsequential in the face of a NUCLEAR CHAIN REACTION, but it's all I've got.

--Pause-- I went and prayed. I felt like it was stupid to write about prayer without employing it. Why be a hypocrite via my own blog?--UnPause--

Okay, so I prayed. And legitimately...I feel so much better. I feel refreshed. Revived. There are tons of awesome scriptures about prayer, but this is one that my mom taught me about: (this is not exact, but is sort of a re-created convo for the purposes of this blog)

Mom: You know Matthew 7:7?
Me: Not really.
Mom: Yes you do: "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"

At some point, I chimed in and finished the verse. Of COURSE I know that scripture. Who doesn't?

Mom: Why is that written?
Me: ...
Mom: It's in the next verse: "For every one that asketh receiveth"

How simple is that? Prayer stops the nuclear chain reaction. It absorbs the "fear neutrons", it slows down the propagation. It turns things around, it repairs faith. Quite simply: prayer works. And not always in the ways that we think, or not in the ways that we have envisioned (at least not all the time). I prayed about a plethora of things, I asked for things, I knocked on doors, and what I received was peace. Clearly, that's not 100% of what I was asking for, but I can't knock it. I FEEL better. To continue to wallow in self-pity at this point, would be a purposeful act. It would be a willful dismissal of God's comfort. And I'm just not that far gone...

So today, in this moment, I thank God for His peace. And I just have to trust Him for my deliverance, and keep my eyes upon Him. Pray for me and my strength in the Lord.