Critical Mass

Okay, I've been gone a long time, but I feel like I should write a blog post. Today, at work...I had a slight episode with my hand, a blood flow issue that freaked me out and made me run home, take meds, and veg out on the couch. And on that couch, where sleep alluded me I thought all sort of negative thoughts: I'll never get married! I'll never have kids! THIS is the last Christmas! It was like all these fears were exploding in my head. And it made me think of a nuclear chain reaction. An emotional nuclear chain reaction. All this led to me thinking: what's my critical mass?

Critical Mass - the smallest amount of fissile material needed for a sustained nuclear chain reaction.

My critical mass is fear. And believe me...it doesn't take much. Fear is the material that splits up, and divides my faith. And when my faith is jacked up...I have these self-propagating, destructive thoughts (an emotional nuclear chain reaction).

How do I stop this? HOW?!!

There is some super scientific answer (neuron absorption or whatever) that I don't understand AT ALL...but on a more personal and immediate level...does it suck to say the answer is prayer? It seems so puny, so inconsequential in the face of a NUCLEAR CHAIN REACTION, but it's all I've got.

--Pause-- I went and prayed. I felt like it was stupid to write about prayer without employing it. Why be a hypocrite via my own blog?--UnPause--

Okay, so I prayed. And legitimately...I feel so much better. I feel refreshed. Revived. There are tons of awesome scriptures about prayer, but this is one that my mom taught me about: (this is not exact, but is sort of a re-created convo for the purposes of this blog)

Mom: You know Matthew 7:7?
Me: Not really.
Mom: Yes you do: "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"

At some point, I chimed in and finished the verse. Of COURSE I know that scripture. Who doesn't?

Mom: Why is that written?
Me: ...
Mom: It's in the next verse: "For every one that asketh receiveth"

How simple is that? Prayer stops the nuclear chain reaction. It absorbs the "fear neutrons", it slows down the propagation. It turns things around, it repairs faith. Quite simply: prayer works. And not always in the ways that we think, or not in the ways that we have envisioned (at least not all the time). I prayed about a plethora of things, I asked for things, I knocked on doors, and what I received was peace. Clearly, that's not 100% of what I was asking for, but I can't knock it. I FEEL better. To continue to wallow in self-pity at this point, would be a purposeful act. It would be a willful dismissal of God's comfort. And I'm just not that far gone...

So today, in this moment, I thank God for His peace. And I just have to trust Him for my deliverance, and keep my eyes upon Him. Pray for me and my strength in the Lord.