My Trip to Bali - The Massages

Greetings from Bali!

I had meant to document my trip more frequently, but:

1. I am pretty wiped out by the end of the day
2. Internet connectivity is pretty spotty 

However, right now, I'm making time sitting in the lobby of our resort. Prior to coming on the trip, June and I had decided that we would have a spa treatment or massage every day. This was successful until yesterday when one of our "naps" turned into full-out sleep. In any case, before that, the streak was strong, so I will explain to you some of our spa experiences:

Massage 1
Location: Namaya Spa at the Royal Beach Seminyak Hotel
Massage Type: Traditional Balinese
Description: As the first massage, it had to set the standard. And it did! It was great, perfect pressure, perfect ambiance (Balinese music, smells of lotus/lavender, dark/air conditioned room). This was the first day of the trip, and it really started it off right.

Facial 1
Location: Spa Bali
Facial Type: Traditional Facial
Description: This was my first facial ever, so I didn't have any frame of reference. But June...she was displeased. We were in the same room, and I could hear her saying things like: "Less pressure", "too hard" to finally "...you're hurting me." Of course, I, being the excellent friend that I am was laughing. For me, the facial was a decent experience. For her...an appointment with pain.


Manicure 1
Location: Spa Bali
Facial Type: Regular mani/pedi
Description: They were doing a somewhat terrible job. I could hear June saying things like: "you don't have to push those back", "don't clip those," and finally..."you're hurting me." So we canceled the pedi. To top it all off, those manicures were ugly...however, their polish selection was abysmal. ABYSMAL. No Shanghai Shimmer? Shame.

Massage 2
Location: Private Wellness Spa, Seminyak

Massage Type: Tibetan "Singing Bowls"
Description: This was, by far, the dumbest massage ever. This massage incorporates the use of four bowls, of varying sizes which are strategically placed all over your body and hit (gong style) to send vibrations through your muscles. This is supposed to relieve tension and boost your immune system.

This was the first time June and I were separated for a treatment, so it was good to come back to each other and compare notes:

June: So...how did you like it?
Me: That was super lame...
June: (laughing hysterically) YES! I knew I should have stopped him when he put the little bowls on my feet! "Bong!"

It was like nothing was happening! I couldn't feel anything and the bowls were right on my exposed back!  Also, that room was STIFLING hot. My nose got all stuffed up, and I was dying so I went to sleep. Eventually, someone said: "your massage finished" and I could breathe easy again (literally). Caveat: This place was NICE. I think that if I had just ordered a different massage things would have gone better. I take all the blame.


Facial 2/Pedicure 1
Location: AMO, Seminyak

Facial Type: "Oxygen" Facial/Basic pedi

Description: The pedicure requires no description. It was basic, it was good. The facial though. I felt like I was being abducted by aliens. As this was my second facial ever, I have to say I preferred the first. For this facial, they steamed me up, but then they did this "extraction" thing that was really painful, and then they used a long thin silver tube to shoot oxygen into my newly opened pores. And it made sucking, scary sounds. After this, they put an oxygen mask over my entire face and just hit me up with Oxygen. Think about this: extraction, silver tube shooting into my face, gas mask...alien abduction.

Massage 3
Location: Jari Menari, Seminyak
Massage Type: "Four-Hands Massage

Description: The four-hands massage utilizes two practitioners on one body. These two people are working in tandem to create a blissful massage experience that is supposed to be unmatched. Jari Menari is a different massage spa because it is staffed 100% by male masseurs. I have NO problem with this. ;)

We confirmed a couple of times with management that we wanted the four-hands massage (you have to do this because of the language barrier). So the massage is taking place...it's going well. My calves had really been hurting from all the walking around, and this guy was really starting to knead my body in a way that had me thinking: "this is gonna be good." Then I hear June saying: "less pressure," "too strong," "you're hurting me." A few more minutes pass, and my massage is ascending to the heights of glorious when I hear June's small childlike voice say: "Excuse me...is this the FOUR-HANDS massage" and it wasn't! By some twist of fate (a happy twist of fate) they had started us on the wrong massage, but after a brief talk, the two additional masseurs came in (so now we both had two) and got to work...

My glorious massage was gone. This felt like a violation. It's like a traded in an amazing massage for an assault. It was so weird having these two strangers groping all over you. It was not in tandem. It was not in sync. It was just hands everywhere...and the new guy had B.O. And for the first time I was found saying: "less pressure," "too strong," and then I squeaked out a tiny: "stoppp..." Tragedy, if you will. And after they finished up, we had our debrief:

June: What did you think?
Me: ...rape.

Clearly, it wasn't that bad. But it was bad. Avoid.

Well, that's it. We had 3 other massages (I think) beyond these, but they were all traditional Balinese and a relaxation massage. In one of them...a lizard jumped on me. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth, but that is tied to another story altogether.

Bali, land of spas.