Great Expectations: The Source of Fighting

"A hidden issue can't get triggered unless an expectation is violated." --random website


Expectations lead to violations, violations to disappointment, disappointment to fights. I HATE fights!

Some focus on the disappointment in friendships/relationships stemming from unreasonable expectations, but I think that's false. Expectations, separated from the person you have set them upon, cannot be unreasonable. I think it is rather an issue of misplaced expectations; placing our expectations on the wrong people. Not people who are wrong but who are rather, wrong for us and wrong for what we expect. These are people with different perceptions and worldviews. For example: If two people fall in love with each other, but have a different definition of what love is, what it looks like, what it feels like, etc. they will both experience grave disappointment. Neither one is wrong about love. It's just that their version of love is not what the other person expected.


Side Note: But what do you do about that "love" part? Even when it doesn't meet expectations, you still feel it. If it's a romantic relationship, I guess you have to decide if you want more. Either kick that person to the curb or settle for disappointment. With friendships, I think you can either alter your expectations to meet theirs, just to maintain the association. However, if you need more out of your friendships...I think you have to look for someone else to be your primary friend. Someone who has the same expectation of a friendship. That way you take the power away from the other person...that power to disappoint.

This is why compatibility (more so than attraction, or a few good times/memories) is SO key. When you want the same things, enjoy many of the same things, when you think the same things about love, jealousy, communication...when you have at least SOME common paradigms...then disappointment is less frequent, and less severe. This is because you both have the same expectations, and now it's just a matter of rightly exercised reciprocity (which has it's own pitfalls).  

The big question though--the one that is asked in friendships, in romantic relationships, in business-partnerships-gone-terribly-wrong--is the doozie: "Well...what did you expect?"

"..."


This is worth some investigation.