Snip, Snip, OH SNAP!!

Well, today I got my haircut. Long story short: I'm not feeling it. It's weird, though because I'm torn. Here are the issues:

1. I'm proud.

I've been pussyfooting around getting a haircut for a LONG time. I've been so afraid to cut it, because I've been told a few times that my best assets are my hair and my butt. My hair and my BUTT?!?! That's kind of demoralizing. Especially when I view those "assets" as liabilities.  In any case, I got over my fear of the haircut by getting the haircut. And of that, I am seriously proud.

2. Pride aside though...

I hate this haircut. I have to hype myself up and psyche myself up just to look in the mirror. I find myself saying things like "it's just hair," and "it'll grow back" A LOT, and it's only been a few hours.

3. Even though it'll grow back...

It's the length that remains that is getting on my nerves. I feel like it doesn't belong. I actually like the front. I'm tempted to call, make another appointment for TOMORROW (yes, they are open on Sunday!) and have her cut off the back. Take the length off, shave it up a little, add more, shorter layers, re-roller set it, and BOOM. But then, I bet I'll feel bald. I think having it  cut again...so soon...is an impulsive corrective move. Maybe this will grow on me (no pun intended), so I'll give it 2 weeks before I make any new decisions.

4. But I do want it to grow back...

My first purchase post haircut? GNC Hair vitamins. These pills are HUGE; but supposedly, it works. I'll let you know how that works out for me. Also, everyone is talking about this Dominican conditioner called "Emergencia." Well...I'm definitely experiencing an emergencia, so it's worth a try. This will require hardcore discipline. I'm thinking two months of GNC, Emergencia, and PERFECT diet and exercise should gain me back like 2 of the 5 inches I lost today.

This really just cements my decision NOT to attend my high school reunion. 

Life of Excellence: FAIL

First day of living a life of excellence was an epic fail. Good thing this WASN'T day 1. Day 1 is June 1st. Thank God!

Okay blog...I'm about to tell you a story, and in this story, I am a villain. I thought about not posting about it, in light of the Sunday posts. However, I've never purported to be perfect. Christ came for the sick:

"...They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance" Mark 2:17

Holla!

Anyway, I think we have established that I am sick. Because of this very reason, and my acknowledgment of my sickness, and my faith that it is Jesus Christ who will present me faultless...I believe we can move on to the story (which is hilarious in a sad way).


So for the past two days I have been attending a derivative conference. I am clearly the youngest person there, and it's SUPER boring, and I have been extremely anti-social the whole time, because I abhor this conversation:

Random old person: So, Kristen is it? (looking at my name tag)
Me: No. It's Michelle. (I don't actually say it...just think it)
Random old person: So, what company do you work for
Me: at the XYZ Corporation, it's an energy company
Random old person: Ah! Commodities! So...are you responsible for derivatives?
Me: No. I work in marketing. (I don't actually say it...but we're at a DERIVATIVES conference, what do you think I do?! )

Disclaimer: This is a dramatization, but you know how inane corporate networking small talk can be. This closely approximates how it went, or how it made me feel.

So, as time goes on, I start to feel bad about being anti, so I strike up a conversation with the chemical derivatives accountant at my table. We were JUST commenting on how good the lunch was. I then commented that my ratatouille is better than that of the Ritz-Carlton (this is true, imo). The rest of the conversation:

Chemical Derivative Accountant (CDA): So you like to cook?
Me: Yeah, I love to cook
CDA: So what's the best thing that you make? I mean, what do you cook REALLY well?

Now, I make many awesome things,

1. Primo Pork Chops
2. Remarkable Ratatouille
3. Cool Cornish Hens
4. Astonishing Apple Pie

But in this moment, my mind went BLANK: " -- "

And so I said:

"Chicken Eggplant Parmesan"

Chicken Eggplant Parmesan?! ...Chicken Eggplant Parmesan???

How did those words even come out of my mouth?! I've never eaten it, I've never made it. I was unsure if such a thing even existed! But I'd said it. It was out. A lie. A baby lie.

The thing about babies though...they grow up SO fast.

CDA: Really?! How do you make that?
Me: (inside my head) Uh oh...

CDA is now looking at me expectantly.

Me: It's complicated...

CDA: No! Tell me! Please! I really want to know.

And so, seemingly, I had no choice but to give this woman a recipe. That's right, blog. I made up a recipe for Chicken Eggplant Parmesan, on the spot. Off the top of my head. FOR SHAME!

I would tell you what was in my recipe, but I think it's better to show how crappy my recipe was via a table:



Recipe is courtesy of Recipezaar.

As you can see, I had only the BASICS: Chicken, Eggplant, Marinara. I also had some items that do not traditionally go into the Chicken Eggplant Parmesan, such as: penne pasta and mushrooms.

I think the most egregious omission is the lack of breadcrumbs. What was I thinking?!! At "parmesan" I said "kinda" because I only referred to that ingredient as "cheese." I was silent on what type of cheese I was using.

I guess it could have been worse...she could have asked me what marina sauce I used, and I could have said something like: "Oh, I make my marinara from scratch...I just crush tomatoes, add a little salt...VOILA!"

Ultimately all of this could have been avoided. It just goes to show there is no such thing as a "little white lie." They GROW! I have to say, I don't make a habit of lying, but I'm not perfect. This one has taught me though. It was like God was leaving a facebook message that just said: "smh."

Yeah...great story (in terms of hilarity) and great lesson: I must decrease, that He may increase. For reals!

I wonder if this woman will attempt to make this recipe. ...Her poor family.

I feel LOST...

Hi Blog,

Last night was the series finale of LOST.

(moment of silence)

I have to tell you...I've cried more than a few tears over the past 22 hrs. I may have even cried a little in my sleep. When I awoke, the pillow was wet. Could have been drool, but I think it was my subconscious weeping for the survivors of Oceanic flight 815 and the things they suffered, the lives that were lost. I like to think I was moved by the fact that grabbing onto the love and the sadness that was helped them let go of the reality that could never be (eyes welling up).

It was truly an awesome show and I am proud to say that I have seen every episode. EVERY episode. 6 years. Ever since I was old enough to drink (i.e. 21) I've been drinking Locke's kool-aid. And it has been good.

Except...what was that light? Why couldn't we at least know that much?!
------------

In other news, someone told me they are going to try to live a "life of excellence" for the month of June. And I think I will attempt this. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, but I will try to chronicle it in my blog. I know it entails such things as:


1. No oversleeping.
The plan is to set my alarm to sound at 6:30 thinking I'm going to:

• Immediately pray (10 min)
• Read my bible (at least 2 - 3 chapters should take 20 min)
• Go for a run (1 hr)
• Return home, shower, change (40 min)
• Run out the house, get in the car (2 min)
• Talk to Mom for the drive into the office (8 min)
• Seated at my desk at 8:55

This plan has a 5 minute cushion built in. There was about a month where I had this routine DOWN. Now it's in tatters.

2. Cleaning

I have to clean. I went to Lake Anna this past weekend, and woke up at 5am (prior to getting on the road) just to clean my kitchen. I did this because I didn't want to be welcomed home on Sunday night by creepy mold and really bad ANGRY smells. Given how sad I was about the end of LOST, that just would have been demoralizing. I mean, my home...my SAFE place, would have smelled like death. Like the death of broccoli florets, blueberries, and Trader Joe's strawberries (I will never buy produce from there again!).


That's all I have for now, but I will add more things to my excellent living, and will keep you posted. Good night!

Sunday Post - Trust

I have trust issues.

True story. Recently, I've confronted my issue with trust, how it affects my relationships with people, and ultimately how it affects my relationship with God.

First off, let's define (for kicks) the word "trust."

trust /trʌst/ Show Spelled[truhst] - noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

Based on maybe one major disappointment, or a series of disappointments that I cannot recount to you (not because they are too numerous, but because they may/may not exist), I have a very bad opinion of trust. My bad opinion of trust stems from a problem that I have with definitions 1 and 3.

In the realm of the emotional, an individual in whom I put my trust does not have to accept the obligation or responsibility that I have placed upon them. What do I mean? I mean that just because I trust you doesn't mean that you won't lie to me. Just because I trust you doesn't keep your from cheating on me. My trust does not have the power to prevent your betrayal. In recognizing this truth, I came to believe a lie: trust is powerless.

Trust means something. It's an intangible thing, yet we are all aware of it. We feel pain when it is lost. When you've lost trust in something, it's like the ground has given way beneath you; you're so insecure and everything in life (even if the trust only pertained to one thing) is suddenly uncertain. We are all, also, comforted by it and made secure by trust, when it is found. Trust creates an environment of safety, even in the midst of a dangerous situation.

It is very easy to break trust with other human beings. People break our hearts, let us down, and otherwise disappoint, trick, and betray us. However, the ultimate trust--Trust in God-- comes free of fear of disappointment. What I love about God, is that trust in Him does not quite fit the 3 definitions above. 

God offers Himself as our trust; He takes on the responsibility and obligation prior to our trusting Him. What am I saying? When you know that someone trusts you, or is depending on you...you act accordingly, however (Romans 5: 6 -8):

⁶For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

⁷For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

⁸But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Before we even knew that God was someone that we could trust in; before we knew that we were without strength, Christ took on the obligation of our sins! We trust people not to do certain things in the future to hurt us, based on the nature of our relationship. However, when there was NO existing relationship, Christ died for me. I find that to be deep. Maybe I'm alone in that.Yes? No?

All of my trust is in God. I know that my trust in Him is powerful. It has meaning. It has a security that I can't get from some guy I'm dating. It has an irrevocable nature that I can't get from my bff. This trust is everything. I trust in what the Word of God says about how God feels about me (Jeremiah 29:11):

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

As a result, I trust in the perfection of my end. Christ died for me to have an expected end, and I know that it is awesome. Sometimes we feel let down by God, or disappointed with life, but that is because WE have polluted the purity of God's love and his plan for us. We have polluted it with our own opinions of what is best, of where we should be, of how God should have blessed us. As if we know better than God...???!!

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. - Proverbs 3:5

That is a doozie!! It's so hard not to lean to our own wisdom, our own knowledge, our own understanding of how the world works and what we need to operate in it successfully. Stay away from your own understanding, it happens to be kind of dumb. Flat out.

For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God... I Corinthian 3:19

Sometimes we think we have it all figured out, but sometimes that "figured-it-outedness" will be our downfall. Stay humble, keep trusting in the Lord. I once got into the habit of thinking that I don't want God to do what I ask Him, because I trust that He is "able to do exceeding abundantly above all that I ask or think"(Ephesians 3:20). Do you get that? What I think God has in store for me, is nothing compared to what He actually has in store for me. So, I'd much rather trust in Him than in myself...I'm just sayin'.

As far as how I feel about trust (that it's powerless and what not)...that's messed up. For serious. I only have trusting in God down in part. I believe everything I said above about trusting in Him. I know that if I trust in the Lord, He will be my high tower, He will be refuge, my rock, etc. However, if I trusted 100% I wouldn't get quite so freaked out all the time and start devising plans to rescue myself out of trouble. So unnecessary. One day I will be fully aware of this. Lately I've been hearing people say: "Give it to God." Well, I don't want to give "it" to God, if "it" represents individual situations. I want to give ME to God. My whole life, my entire existence...it needs to be His.

Regarding trust in other people...I have to learn that some people are worthy of my trust, not because they are so awesome and will not hurt me, but because of the nature of the relationship. I have to be prepared though; people are not God (or even very God-like). They will betray me, crush me, and blast me to bits. But that's what forgiveness is for.

Good night!
He's Able by Deitrick Haddon (feat. Darwin Hobbs) - super old, but I love it.

Onward and Upward: My First Hike

Today was my first ever hike. My feet hurt!! I, and a group of friends, went hiking at Cedar Run/White Oak Trail in Shenandoah National Park. It was ridiculously scenic and beautiful. I would have taken loads of pictures, except I forgot to charge my camera and it died IMMEDIATELY. I think I took like 2 photos. I will post them. I think this day was destined for greatness, which is why so many things occurred to make it go wrong:

1. Backpack

I bought a backpack for this trip. It is a KELTY, and it has a little pouch inside of it that I am supposed to be able to fill with water (eliminating the need for a water bottle). This piece of junked leaked! I filled it up with water (to the 2L mark, as instructed), put it on my back and noticed that I was wet. So I'm thinking...maybe I filled it up too much, so I let like half a liter out, and then just lay it on the floor. There I watched a small pool of water form beneath it. Ever so quickly. So I decided to abandon that and instead grabbed my KPMG (I only agree with definition 1, I knew like 3 black people there, and 1 homosexual) basketball bag and headed out.

2. Trader Joe's

The Evite I read said to meetup at Trader Joe's at 8am. I was there, but no one else was. So I decided to call my friend "Checkers" and asked her what was up. Meeting place changed. E-mail sent to kking4@nd.edu. ...
Really? I'll let that one pass, as it IS my facebook login, but clearly...I'm no longer a student at the University of Notre Dame. WE ARE ND! (I had to do it...)

3. The Bubblies

You know what I'm talking about. The new meeting place was someone's house and I had to use the restroom badly. But I don't know this guy...not enough to destroy the ambiance of his bathroom. But desperate times... Luckily, it wasn't as serious a situation as I had anticipated, and was only a 3 - 4 minute mild detour to the bathroom. However, I was filled with concern up to that point, which of course only made the bubblies roil with increased fury. Is this TMI?

4. The KPMG Bag

Sometimes the solution can just be a new problem. Bringing this bag was a mistake, or at least...I almost convinced myself that it was. So I'm hiking, and then I start to think about the rope straps on this bag, and how they are going to dig into my shoulders, and chafe, and just otherwise wreak havoc on my trip. I start internally freaking out, imagining how horrible the hike will be. I was kicking myself, and calling myself a dummy when suddenly I realize: THERE'S ALMOST NOTHING IN THIS BAG! Straps dig when bags are heavy. My bag wasn't heavy at all. I calmed down, and didn't spare another thought for the KPMG bag.

5. Checkers' foot

Checkers got a blister immediately. And it was bad. I mean, it was bleeding. I don't know if she knew it was bleeding, but I could see crimson spreading and staining the white of her ankle gym sock. It was sad. I felt horrible walking behind her knowing she was in pain, and so I prayed for it...for a while. Not a long while, maybe 5 minutes or so. However, prayer for someone's peace, comfort, and overall deliverance is something of a bummer. See how I turned someone else's anguish into one of MY problems, in MY list? Now that is some kind of selfish magic.

6. The Longest Goodbye

Yep, we've seen "The Longest Goodbye" on lists before. I've decided I'll use this term whenever something tragic and unexpected occurs to keep you from making it home. This issue was fraught with anger, attitudes, and other uncool, "beef-like" emotions. Long story short, I left my keys in Checkers car; Checkers was 15 minutes ahead of me in finishing the trail and decided to get an early start to her parents house and unknowingly drove off with the aforementioned keys; we were unable to reach Checkers because we were in the WILDERNESS with no cell phone reception for a long time while driving out of the park; Checkers got pretty far away; we finally reached her and made plans for a meetup-and-drop-off; two hours passed, at which point I became frantic, irrational, and evil inside; speeding tickets were obtained; regret was born; harsh words spoken; tears cried: Foolishness. At the end of the day there was sadness. Awwww....

Despite the minor issues #1 - 5, and the major issue of #6, I had an awesome time:

1. I completed my first ever hike: Pride!!

This is the terrain I walked on. Often with MORE rocks.

They lied to me. They said it was just a long walk. It was not a long walk. I had to actively watch my every step so as not to fall and break my body. I could see myself having to be airlifted out of that joint. It was so hard! After a while, you just become so tired, and you can't walk up the mountains anymore...but yet we kept moving. I was a little disgruntled at points. Why isn't there a such thing as "walker's high?!" Why are runners the only ones who get to experience a burst of euphoria? Not fair. FAIL.

I don't know if I climbed THIS waterfall (but I might have)

2. I climbed up a waterfall.

I climbed it fast too! I mean, I was afraid...but I just didn't look down, and tried to climb up as fast as I could. There were moments when I made some unfortunate foothold decisions, but the only consequences were a branch in the face, or a little mud in my hand. No biggie.

3. It was like an adventure.

There were snakes! And bugs! Holes in the ground! Slippery rocks! I felt like Indiana-a Jones. Oh yeah!

4. The company was great.

I liked the people I was with. There were funny conversations, deep conversations, religious/philosophical conversations. When you're walking for 5 hours, you find things to talk about.

5. It was just really beautiful out there.

I've never been so IN nature. It was the kind of place where you could just sit on a log and pray and meditate with the sound of rushing water and wildlife all around you. It's like I could really appreciate the Earth as God's creation. It was pretty awesome. When I wasn't thinking of it from a spiritual point-of-view, I noted that it was also super romantic. I need a boyfriend to go on that hike with.


6. I was happy.

That's all I've got today. I liked the hike. I have to clean my apartment. It's beyond "that point." It may be the point of no return, which means I'll stay in bed all day. BUT NO! I shall persevere.

Sunday Post-ponement (get it?)

Too beat up to write the Sunday post this week. It may or may not go up during the week.

If it does though, it will be about a scripture that I've been thinking about all week: "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." II Corinthians 12:10.

I have thoughts... Nothing profound, just thoughts. Blog thoughts.

P.S. There is no air conditioning on in my apartment yet (it's season-controlled). "My cup boileth over. " I pray for deliverance.

May FIRST!!

I won't lie to you: This has been a horrific first day of May. BUT...it is not over! There is still day yet to be lived. There are still 3 hours and 38 minutes left in this day, and for the part of it that I'm NOT burning up beneath my hair dryer, desperately trying to make it to my friend "Checker's" b-day party, I will be glad! GLAD!!

Today, I was stupid. I tried to renew the tags on my Illinois plates in Virginia, in the line...without ANY pertinent documentation. I stood in the line for quite a while before I realized: you're not prepared for this. So I left after 20 minutes of standing outside, and headed home to pick up my reports for work. I get to work...a report is missing. In the office, at 8:30 a.m., a lone tear streaked down my cheek. It landed on the "work"-stained carpet and spread into a pool of despair. I then splashed around in this pool, before driving back home to pick up the report.

Back at work, I dutifully get down to the hard work of accounting. For many hours. It was 1:30 before something other than water touched my lips. Around 4:30, I was ready to flee. I had things to do: I wanted to buy a dress for the aforementioned party and some gladiator sandals. I wanted to wash and roller set my hair. I wanted to get a quick pedicure at the sketch establishment across the street. But you know what they say: "you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes..." Well, I didn't exactly get what I needed. I NEEDED to leave at 6. At 6, I could still go to Macy's, pick up a random sundress, race home, wash my hair, get dressed and be out the door at 8:30 to be fashionably late to the party at 9. **PAUSE - I think it is important for my readers to note that it is now 8:30 and I am sitting beneath my hair dryer - UNPAUSE** Knowing that I needed to be gone by 6, I made much ado about packing up. My computer was CLOSED. CLOSED!!! And it stayed closed for 40 min while people asked me questions about rounding. Or, I sat there, with my computer IN THE COMPUTER BAG for 20 minutes, while my boss went and found our sad-faced auditors and asked them what they thought the major issues were. THEY DON'T KNOW. How do I know? I used to BE those auditors. Then I sat there for 15 minutes, with MY KEYS IN MY HAND, while idle chatter took place about tomorrow's "game plan." At 7:29 I pulled up to my apartment building. Seething.

However, all that is behind me. The rest of the evening, which I'm hoping includes me RUNNING out of my house by 9:00 p.m. will go swimmingly. That's right SWIMMINGLY.