Goodbye 27!

Disclaimer: This blog is fragmented and all over the place. Just like me!

So six days ago, I turned 28. In the ICU. It was a horrible end to 27, but yet…I have to look at it as a good start to 28. I get to start 28 without my aneurysm. That’s definitely something to be thankful for. The last 16 days of 27 were pretty rough, but ultimately I think (I’m not 100% sure, but I think) I was happy during 27. The highlights:

First Nationals game

I might have been officially 26 when this happened, but it was for my birthday. This is when I first became truly friends with Sasha. It was my first week of work, I was totally alone in my office, and I was clearly sad. Sasha comes in and introduces himself, we chat, and somehow the subject of my birthday comes up. I confess to him that I have ZERO B-day plans, and he believes this to be unacceptable: “You can’t do nothing for your birthday! Do you want to go to a Nationals game?” It was so strange. I didn’t know this guy. I had been in the city for like 3 days…and here is this guy asking me to a baseball game. What did I have to lose? So I totally went. I later found out that I was crashing a guy’s night out, and that he didn’t think I would accept his invitation…But it didn’t matter. That was the beginning of one of the greatest friendships of 27. I thank God for that rained out Nat’s game, the sketch Ben’s Chili Bowl, and endless jokes.

Welcome to Miami

I had never been to South Beach before, but I was there for Valerie’s 27th birthday in September. It was ridiculously fun. This was my first TRUE foray into beach life. Note: I used to think I hated the beach. This is due to the fact that I cannot swim.
–Pause—I did a quick Google on “why black people can’t swim” and stumbled upon a hilarious Jimmy Kimmel clip--updated 8/4/10 clip became private...if you didn't watch it...you missed out--

I would like to say that if you asked me why black people couldn’t swim, I would have said because of the Middle Passage (educate yourself). Many slave deaths were drowning/water-related which, in my opinion, creates a socialized fear of water. Add to that the Jim Crow segregation laws which resulted in the lack of pools in black communities, and our inability to swim in the pools located in the white community; swimming was something we just couldn’t do. And in true prideful form, when there is something you can’t do it is coped with by becoming something you don’t want to do. Add to that the fact that other swimming takes place at the beach, which is avoided because we—black folk—don’t like to get tans. This is the formula for “black people can’t swim” in my opinion –Unpause—

All that notwithstanding, I had an awesome time in Miami, chilling on the beach, the nightlife, the margaritas…it was awesome. I thank God for my first (not even the last) South Beach trip.

Slapsgiving:

My first non-family Thanksgiving. It took 27 years, but I had a Friends-like Thanksgiving, kind of a la How I Met Your Mother (because we called in Slapsgiving—click here for the awesome youtube video of the song). But it was awesome. That was the debut of my apple pie, and how I learned that Jews like HoneyBaked Ham (in moderation). I thank God for the first non-family Thanksgiving!

Church:
Perhaps you will recall my earlier blogs about my search for a church in the DC Metro Area. Well, I found one that I liked, and have met some VERY awesome people (Checkers included) and that has been a really positive force in my life. I’m a people person. People make me happy, so I’ve been happy to meet people. I definitely thank God for the people I’ve met, and the Christian fellowship that has ensued. Awesome!

There were other awesome things that happened during my 27th year, honorable mentions:

• Corporate Christmas Party – I crashed the WRONG party, checked my coat and wandered around looking for my friends for 45 minutes.
• LOST Weekend – that actually should have been up top, but in May I celebrated the end of LOST at Lake Anna with good friends. It was definitely a new experience, and the perfect way to say Bon Voyage to a great show.
• Ingrid Michaelson – I went to an Ingrid concert at 26, and I went to one at 27. I think she’ll be seeing me soon…however, I fell in love ALL over again with the live version of The Chain, and I hung out with my friend Cons who came to visit before leaving to live in Singapore. We did DC right: Arlington Cemetery, Smithsonian, Holocaust Museum, restaurants and Ingrid! Side note: Ingrid has been bringing random girls on stage to sing the song with her. That didn’t happen in DC or Chicago; if it had I would have beaten a path to the stage…bulldozing smaller women (as if they exist) as I went!
• The trip to Baltimore to see Norah Jones - Check out my post Chasing Pirates...on the Next Episode of the Wire.
  

What else was great in 27? I don’t know. I just know it wasn’t too shabby.

God and Math

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Life is so complicated, it’s like there is a maze in just the living of life. There are choices we make, steps that we take that are so calculated that it’s shocking when we walk into brick walls. Who told us that life was so formulaic, that 2+2 = 4 in all cases? Math is an exact science…and for that reason, life can never be analogous to math.

As a Christian, I think it’s strange that I ever thought life was formulaic. All the rules: math, science, time, have been continually frustrated by the Word of God. What do I mean?

Case #1: Adam and Eve

Eve was made from Adam, and they were equally in the image of God. YET, God didn’t cut Adam in half to make Eve. He put broseph to sleep and took a rib. A rib! In math, the only way to get two equal parts from one is to halve it. God can make two equals parts by taking a hundredth of something. Crazy or what?

Caveat - The adult human body has 206 bones, so even more fractional than I noted above.

Case #2: Marriage

This one is like unto the first. How in mathematics, do you get back to one? Division! i.e. 2 ÷ 2 = 1. However, per the Bible in marriage God makes one flesh from two…through the process of addition. Me added to my future husband is ONE (1 +1 = 1). Okay, okay…perhaps we can think of that in terms of multiplication (i.e. 1 x 1 = 1) and thus my argument falls to pieces, but this is MY blog, and I do what I want! Deal with it.

Case #3: Time - Abraham & Sarah

Time means nothing to God, there is a scripture that says, “a day is like 1000 years, and 1000 years is like a day” (II Peter 3:8). Also, we look at Abraham and Sarah who had Isaac in their NINETIES. Way after the eggs were dried up, and long after the spermies were swimming super slow. In fact, they were probably too exhausted to swim…they just floated. But that didn’t matter! God’s promise to Abraham and Sarah was based on His time, not on their perception of time which was limited to the ticking of their biological clocks.

What is the point of this? The point is, even though I’ve talked much about disappointment, and trust… I find that my trust was somewhat in the “mathematics” of life. If I eat right, if I exercise, if I don’t smoke, if I study, if I get good grades, if I only socially drink (in moderation), if I laugh a lot, if I floss, if I never drink coffee/tea/soda, if I love my Mom, if I read my Bible, if I pray at night…then the sum of all that good = health, wealth, and happiness. And in all cases 2 + 2 will equal 4.

Around 25, my quarter-life crisis, I started to get this irritating notion that 2 + 2 did NOT equal 4…but that was ridiculous, and so I cast it from my mind. The past 21 days of fear, needle pricks, incisions, bleeding, and crying (so much crying), have driven it home; that somehow, the math of life doesn’t proof. It just doesn’t proof! So when you can’t depend on the logical result, then what? Then all you have left is faith. It seems like so little, but it is everything. It can seem so intangible, but yet it’s the one thing in this life that you have to hold onto. Right?

And so it makes sense to note that life doesn’t make sense. Or maybe it makes sense that it doesn’t make sense to me, because life is in the hands of God. And God is not limited and/or boxed in by the human concepts/constructs of math, science, time, medicine, space, etc. I have no concept of limitless and borderless creativity and power. As such, I have to lean back on: “My thoughts are not your thoughts; my ways are not your ways (Isaiah 55:8-9)” God is beyond. And so my faith has to be beyond as well.

Sometimes I fear that my faith is in a box, limited by the “mathematics” of life. I want to consider that 2 + 2 can equal 3, or 7, or 15. After all…with 5 loaves and 2 fish thousands were fed. What kind of division is that?!

Testimony!

I have a testimony.

As many know, I found out of July 4th that I had a brain aneurysm. Since then, I must admit it has been hard times. These times were interspersed with fear, faith, tears, anger...and some of everything else. It's really hard to explain.

However, I had my surgery on July 20th, and the aneurysm is completely "sealed" meaning blood will no longer flow into it, which makes in impossible for it to burst. The doctors call this a "cure." I have a friend who says "Doctors practice medicine, but God is the only true Healer." That is definitely the case, though I thank God for my doctors. He guided their hands, He enabled them to see and fix what was wrong.

But my praise, initially, was a little stifled. And it wasn't always the case. In the early days, this was a thing that "just happened" and I was patiently, faithfully waiting on God's deliverance. Then, maybe 10 or so days ago my doctor told me something that made me question; something that made me doubt: "You've had this since you were born."

What?! Since I was born?! This automatically made me think: does this mean I wasn't covered in the womb?! And I was instantly demoralized. Completely. But the same scripture that I doubted, is currently my testimony: Psalms 139: 1 - 14 (Click to read). The scripture talks about how God knows everything about you, and how wherever you go...He is there. There is no hiding from Him. His knowledge of us is boundless. My main focus though, is verses 13 and 14:

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

I kicked it in NIV for you all, but I grew up with KJV, so in my remembrance of this Psalm, verse 13 reads: "For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.". I have always read that verse as denoting protection, so upon realizing I had this weak blood vessel in my head FROM BIRTH...I suddenly felt very open and exposed to atrocities of all types.

But the truth is...despite the aneurysm being there, I am STILL fearfully and wonderfully made, still protected. And the clincher is that I knew that full well. In the KJV is says that my "soul knoweth right well." And I view that this carnal mind might have been shaken, but spiritually I had my wits about me. My carnal mind may have felt abandoned, but my spirit recognized that God is an ever-present help. How can the Holy Spirit dwell in me and I yet be alone, exposed, abandoned? Impossible! And so, while I wasn't completely in despair, I couldn't completely be in my praise because the spirit wars against the flesh and vice versa. That's REAL. Flesh says: why me? why God? Spirit says: to show God's glory. Spirit wins. Praise found. Thank you Jesus for saving me! Hallelujah anyhow! This situation doesn't own me...God does. And he has shown me that I am never alone. The end. Period. Fin.

I was praying this evening, and it hit me that God has created me to be eternal like He is eternal (John 10:27-28). And so my testimony is not just that He saved my life (though He did, Praise God!), but that He has shown me that there are many things in this world that are temporal, but I am not one of them. Even if I die, like Job said: in my flesh, I will see God (Job 19:26).

Pray for me, and pray for my strength in the Lord.

P.S. I probably have more testimony, but this is what I have for tonight.

P.P.S. This whole ordeal made me think of Isaiah 49: 1 "...Before I was born the LORD called me; from my birth he has made mention of my name." I'm not saying Isaiah, but I think that applies to me. I am never forgotten, God knows my name, he called my name before I was even born. My aneurysm was a part of my making before I was even born. I'm good with that.

I have this album...but I don't have an mp3 link for it, so...youtube will be the provider of the song of the week: I Am Not Forgotten by Israel & New Breed.

Fire in the Hole! Faith Part Deux

It has been an entire month since I posted Part One of my faith series. I think it is, for lack of a better word, divine that I'm going through what I am (i.e. the aneurysm). Especially, given that for the past two months, I have written many posts about faith, trusting God, dealing with disappointment, etc. Perhaps those posts (and the study which created them) have readied me for what's ahead..

In any case, in Part One of Faith, I defined faith, per The Bible:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Wh
Faith - \ˈfāth\ noun

1. allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty; fidelity to one's promises
2. belief and trust in and loyalty to God;
   
3. belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion
4. firm belief in something for which there is no proof; complete trust

We are often told to "step out on faith." But what does this mean, and what does this imply?

Let's look at someone who literally stepped out on faith: Peter.

Matthew 14:

²⁵During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. ²⁷But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." ²⁸"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." ²⁹"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" ³¹Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

This is a classic! I'm concentrating on verse 28 - 31.

First things first, "Lord, if it's you." That's a deep one. I think we often step out on things that are not faith because we have not yet determined if God was a part of the plan. We often don't take the time to ascertain if God is involved in the scenario...we just act on impulse. So, kudos to Pete for covering his bases with "Lord, if it's you."

"Tell me to come to you on the water." Kudos numero dos! He's looking for the green light before he puts his foot out there. He is seeking God's approval, and ultimately His will in that moment. Jesus could very well say: "It is me, but please stay on the boat...the water is a little chilly tonight, and I don't want to have to heal your cough and stuffy nose later."

But instead, Christ is giving Peter's faith a chance. And so he bids him come out onto the water.

And he goes! He just hops out of the boat and walks on the water towards Jesus. Boom! The scripture does not record any hesitation on the part of Peter, and I'm inclined to believe that is because there was no hesitation. He had what he needed:

1. That's Jesus out there!
2. He said I could come!

He stepped out on faith.

Knowledge Check: What was Peter's occupation prior to being a follower of Christ?

I have to answer this one for myself: Peter was a fisherman. Think of all the drownings he may have witnessed, the stories, the warnings. He was, no doubt, comfortable with water, but yet intimately aware of its dangers.

Yet, here we find Pete jumping out of the boat and onto the water as if it's dry land. Faith can overpower everything you know to be true, because faith creates a separate truth. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen:

• Peter needed the water to hold up his weight, and his faith was the needed substance giving it the ability to do so.
• And the evidence of this occurrence--that his faith had created a situation where water could hold him--was the very fact that he was walking on it!

Do. You. Feel. Me?


So Peter is out there, strolling on the water like he's on the streets of Jerusalem, when WHOOSH! He sees the wind. And he knows something about wind, how it affects the water, and suddenly he feel unsafe. And he sinks.

Many people will tell you that Peter sank because he took his eyes off Jesus. That as long as we keep our eyes on Christ we will never sink. I'm not saying that isn't true. I've heard that message before and was deeply moved. However, I like to offer twists. I think this particular situation is solely about Peter's faith. When Jesus saves him, he doesn't say: "Why'd you take your eyes off me?" He says: "Why did you doubt?"

Peter's faith became misplaced:

Two faith's came into play during Peter's short time on the water:

1. His faith in the natural order, and
2. His faith in the spiritual order created by faith in Christ

"But when he saw the wind, he was afraid..."

He saw the wind? Who can see wind? Is it crazy that people always compare wind to faith, or to God? "You can't see the wind, but you know it's there because you can feel it."

Peter felt the wind, maybe he saw what the invisible wind was doing to the water. So, because he knew what wind could do, though he didn't see himself sinking, though he didn't see a wave approaching to crash over his head...he became certain he would die. This certainty was not based on his seeing the wind, but rather it was based on his proven knowledge of the natural order.

The natural order is not enough to justify our lack of faith! This brings in Webster's definition #4, which states that with faith there is NO PROOF. The only proof that he had was his faith. By his faith he walked on water. But his faith was young. Not mature enough yet to ignore natural order, but it's a lesson. It was a lesson to him, and it is a lesson to us: our spiritual faith is greater than the natural order. By it, Peter walked on water. By it lepers were made whole. By it the blind saw, the lame leaped.

The natural order has nothing on faith.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

P.S. I almost put this song on autoplay to force you to hear it...but I will be kind. But listen to it! I love it!!

Diamonds are Forever, right?

I've actually wanted to write on this subject numerous times, but never actually had the time or the zeal to do it. First off, let me hit a few disclaimers:

Disclaimer 1: I am not currently in love with a friend
Disclaimer 2: I am single, hence all of my relationship musings and/or advice are highly suspect
Disclaimer 3: Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Hypothesis: If friendship is the most basic level of relationship, trust, and accountability, then people who fall in love with friends have a better chance of romantic survival than those who fall in love with non-friends.

How shall I prove my hypothesis? With supposition and phoo-phoo girl nonsense psychology...what else?

Ahem...anyway, you know how comfortable you are with friends versus how frantic/panicked/flat-out psycho you are with that hottie you met in the church lobby or at that work training? We like to attribute that "comfort" to lack of attraction, but I think it may be more advantageous for that attraction to come later, and hit you like a ton of bricks.

There are men and women in our lives who we have assessed and relegated to the dreaded (dun dun dun) Friend Box. We have packaged them up in airtight boxes and shipped them to a platonic place in our hearts. But then they do/say something that has you fantasizing about box cutters...and when you slice them out of the box, it's EASY and awesome, and RIGHT. Has anyone ever experienced this?

Sigh...

I have an analogy about falling in love with a friend verses the alternative. It's called:

Digging for Coal vs. Digging for Diamonds

Disclaimer 4: This is pretty rough, but go with it!

When you're digging for coal, the stakes are a little lower. What do I mean? Umm hello...have you SEEN Blood Diamond?! But all jokes aside, coal is a commodity. You can find it anywhere. No one really cares enough about one lump of coal to attempt to differentiate it from another lump of coal. We don't perceive coal as special. But a diamond? Man, the cut, the color, the clarity, the carat...different from diamond to diamond. They're beautiful, they sparkle, and nearly every girl wants one.

Knowledge Check 1: Did you know that prior to 1939 diamonds had little use, and that society's current obsession with diamonds is the result of a marketing campaign by DeBeers to protect shrinking profit margins?

A little gem of a question: Who told you that you needed a diamond?

If I thought there was coal in my backyard, I would go out there with a shovel, and leisurely dig it up, thinking: BBQ? No pressure. If I thought there were diamonds in my backyard, I'd be frantic, panicked, clawing at the ground with my fingernails! Why? Because someone told me that diamonds were worth SO MUCH. Diamonds are precious, valuable...a diamond could make me rich! Lumps of coal, however, are placed in the Christmas stockings of the naughty. Therefore, coal can't be anything nice.

In this analogy the friend is the coal, and that ever illusive Mr./Ms. Perfect is the diamond. (duh)

Knowledge Check 2: Did you know that diamonds and coal consist of the same basic carbon compounds?

Why do we go through all the pain and drama of searching for a diamond, when--in fact--in the field of life we turn up far more coal than diamonds?

I've researched online, and there are sites that say at extremely high temperatures the atoms of coal can be re-ordered so that it is a diamond. On other sites it'll say that coal can never be a diamond. However, in all cases I've found that all agree that diamond can never be coal. At high temps diamond sublimes into a gas and floats out the window.

Another little gem of a question - When life turns up the heat, which carbon compound do you want in your possession?

When we simplify down to the most basic essence of what we need and WANT out of our relationships, we have to ask ourselves, which is of more use? The diamond or the coal?

The passion, and the initial spark of romance (the diamond) is great, but if you want to keep the fire burning, you'd better throw in a piece of coal.

What am I trying to say?

Do you agree/disagree with what you think I'm trying to say?

Thoughts?

What's atop the Sunny Hill?

Bring me a blanket...that I might escape with my dignity.

This is what I was thinking during my CT Scan. There are many tests that I have undergone during this "trying time" but the CT Scan was by far the weirdest. First of all, it pleased them to bruise me. The technician (of course) couldn't find a vein in my arm. So, he just jabbed that needle in my wrist, so that I could literally FEEL the iodine course up my arm. Then he said: "Okay, you're going to feel really warm, like you've wet yourself." I was thinking "whaaa?" but he was sliding me into the machine, which then said "HOLD YOUR BREATH!" in a very RoboCop-like voice. I of course, held my breath, and DUDE I could swear I had just peed on myself! I was SO hot, like my whole body became hot, and I could feel "wetness" spreading in the crucial areas. So much so that when the machine said "BREATHE" I was feeling around with my hand to ascertain the seriousness of the situation. And even though I didn't feel wet, when I sat up, I totally looked.

But, alas, it was not real. It was a cruel-iodine-CT-scan joke!

What's crazy is that I was actually hot. I mean, my body was hot. I could feel the heat through my jeans. My leg was on FIRE. And so I asked him:

Me: I'm actually hot aren't I? It's not that I think I'm hot, but my body is actually warmed up?
Tech: Yes. We heat up the iodine, then push it into your veins and this makes your entire body hot.

Wow. The things that someone can do to your body (keep it clean)! This is why intravenous recreational drug use is so huge. It happens so fast. I was hot so quickly. I bet that's what it is like when you take...idk...heroine? Is that intravenous? I don't think it makes it feel like you have urinated all over yourself, but I think it pushes a feeling that quickly. That's dangerous. I have a new found compassion for addicts. If you can be miserable one second and in a flash have that misery alleviated? ...Yeah, that's pretty hardcore.

Poetry Continues

Remember how I said the last Rilke, was the LAST Rilke? I lied. Not on purpose...that's not a very Christian thing to do. But on accident. How could I know that my LIFE would wax so poetic. My current situation lends itself to poetry, prayer, self-reflection, blah, blah, blah. In any case, check out this poem called "A Walk" by Rainer Maria Rilke:

My eyes already touch the sunny hill.
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has inner light, even from a distance-

and changes us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it,
we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.

This speaks to me, even though (again) I'm not certain what the author means by this. I think this is about the pursuit of greatness. Not like Donald Trump/Warren Buffet greatness, but just human and spiritual greatness. Like true self-actualization.

Everyday I look in the mirror, and know I don't yet see the person that I want to be. The reflection of July Flame awesomeness is something that my consciousness/spirit has glimpsed, but not attained. But the IDEA of a better me, has me totally enthralled. In the pursuit of a better me, I get changed into something umm...better! Changed into something more closely resembling that awesome reflection....which I couldn't see already looked just like me! We often have no idea WHO we are, until we put ourselves out there? Does this make ANY sense? It's kind of like you ARE who you want to be. You are who you TRY to be.

We feel the wind blowing in our face as we're moving forward. We're out there, making our steps, trying to reach the pinnacle of our existence, which we see afar off...but that we might never attain. But the steps we take are what define us. It's kind of like that cliche: "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Boo! I hate when I'm reduced to a bumper sticker. Oh well, if it's true, it's true!

To me...this is again about faith. I know I'm beating faith up, but seriously. By faith we believe we can reach the "sunny hill." It makes me think:

...These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For they that say such things declare plainly that they seek a country. - Hebrews 11: 13

This scripture refers to the patriarchs of faith (Abel, Noah, Moses, Abraham, etc.). They died in pursuit of promises, and were PERSUADED of them. They embraced and internalized...and it changed their lives.

That's how we have to be. We have to be persuaded of God's promises, those that are bound up in the Bible...and those that we feel He has made to us specifically. What's at the top of your "sunny hill?"

The Final Rilke - What's Next?

...We, however, are not prisoners. No traps or snares are set about us, and there is nothing which should intimidate or worry us. We are set down in life as in the element to which we best correspond, and over and above this we have through thousands of years of accommodation become so like this life, that when we hold still we are, through a happy mimicry, scarcely to be distinguished from all that surrounds us. We have no reason to mistrust our world, for it is not against us. Has it terrors, they are our terrors; has it abysses, those abuses belong to us; are dangers at hand, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now still seems to us the most alien will become what we most trust and find most faithful. How should we be able to forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. "

Wow Rilke. Wow. I feel you on so many levels, except...there are traps and snares. We just don't have to be taken in them. We don't have to let them destroy us.

"no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me," declares the LORD. " - Isaiah 54:17

I'm sick. I have a neurological problem, and I'm seeing doctors on a daily basis. It kind of sucks.

Note: weapons form. They form, but they will not prevail. I love that the impotence of weapons formed is the heritage of those who serve God. Well...that's me!

But...let's be serious about trials/tribulations. The danger in it is not the loss of life (which could very well occur), but rather the loss of faith (which I have decided WILL NOT occur). The danger isn't the loss of future opportunities, but the lessening of past accomplishments and progress made in the Lord. That's what I have to fight against.

One of my doctors said: "The optimist looks at this situation and says: Great! We've caught it early! The pessimist looks at this situation and says: 'What's next?!'" Tragically, I had said "what's next?!" just the day before while crying in my bed/talking to my mom. I'm not ashamed of the crying. Yo...crying happens. And, I'm kind of a crybaby. I readily admit it: I'm very emotional. And though, I'm not ashamed of the "what's next?!" I see that there is something faithless in it. Initially, I had a fearful expectation of more sadness, when I'm supposed to "glory in tribulation" and in ALL things, I must give thanks. So I thank God. I thank God for every single thing that's happening to me, because it works to HIS purpose. Everything is on God's time. And though I matter (I think I matter A LOT), ultimately all I want is for His will to be done in my life. And Rilke is right that we have to face dragons with the beauty of our faith, and the bravery that God has put in our hearts, because it is THERE.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

Crying...that's of me. But fear...is from somewhere else, and it's not of God. What he has given me is a spirit of power. I don't have to buckle beneath fear. I don't even have to think about fear, though it creeps into my bedroom at night when I close my eyes. It's there, it's ready...but this is why I'm supposed to "pray without ceasing."

There are some parts of Rilke's work that I don't understand, but I think he's pointing out that we were created to interact with this earth. This world is kind of our element. We're a part of it. And all the things that are wrong with it...we created or brought upon ourselves (see Adam/Eve/Garden/Curse/etc.). I'm not sure that Rilke is a religious man, but I like his spirit of perseverance, of battling through circumstances, of relishing them. It makes me think of a certain scripture :

But if I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him. When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:8-10

Okay, I don't know why Rilke made me think of this. I no longer see the parallels, but it's like I might not see what God is doing, but He knows what I am doing/He knows where I am...and the test and the trials that come, they work toward my perfection. That's how I see it.

I want to write a funny blog. Maybe something about my family, because in the past 3 days since I received my diagnosis, I've laughed WAY more than I've cried. And they totally get the credit for that. Them, and Checkers. Maybe I'll write it later. Nothing but time on my hands.