What's atop the Sunny Hill?

Bring me a blanket...that I might escape with my dignity.

This is what I was thinking during my CT Scan. There are many tests that I have undergone during this "trying time" but the CT Scan was by far the weirdest. First of all, it pleased them to bruise me. The technician (of course) couldn't find a vein in my arm. So, he just jabbed that needle in my wrist, so that I could literally FEEL the iodine course up my arm. Then he said: "Okay, you're going to feel really warm, like you've wet yourself." I was thinking "whaaa?" but he was sliding me into the machine, which then said "HOLD YOUR BREATH!" in a very RoboCop-like voice. I of course, held my breath, and DUDE I could swear I had just peed on myself! I was SO hot, like my whole body became hot, and I could feel "wetness" spreading in the crucial areas. So much so that when the machine said "BREATHE" I was feeling around with my hand to ascertain the seriousness of the situation. And even though I didn't feel wet, when I sat up, I totally looked.

But, alas, it was not real. It was a cruel-iodine-CT-scan joke!

What's crazy is that I was actually hot. I mean, my body was hot. I could feel the heat through my jeans. My leg was on FIRE. And so I asked him:

Me: I'm actually hot aren't I? It's not that I think I'm hot, but my body is actually warmed up?
Tech: Yes. We heat up the iodine, then push it into your veins and this makes your entire body hot.

Wow. The things that someone can do to your body (keep it clean)! This is why intravenous recreational drug use is so huge. It happens so fast. I was hot so quickly. I bet that's what it is like when you take...idk...heroine? Is that intravenous? I don't think it makes it feel like you have urinated all over yourself, but I think it pushes a feeling that quickly. That's dangerous. I have a new found compassion for addicts. If you can be miserable one second and in a flash have that misery alleviated? ...Yeah, that's pretty hardcore.

Poetry Continues

Remember how I said the last Rilke, was the LAST Rilke? I lied. Not on purpose...that's not a very Christian thing to do. But on accident. How could I know that my LIFE would wax so poetic. My current situation lends itself to poetry, prayer, self-reflection, blah, blah, blah. In any case, check out this poem called "A Walk" by Rainer Maria Rilke:

My eyes already touch the sunny hill.
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has inner light, even from a distance-

and changes us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it,
we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.

This speaks to me, even though (again) I'm not certain what the author means by this. I think this is about the pursuit of greatness. Not like Donald Trump/Warren Buffet greatness, but just human and spiritual greatness. Like true self-actualization.

Everyday I look in the mirror, and know I don't yet see the person that I want to be. The reflection of July Flame awesomeness is something that my consciousness/spirit has glimpsed, but not attained. But the IDEA of a better me, has me totally enthralled. In the pursuit of a better me, I get changed into something umm...better! Changed into something more closely resembling that awesome reflection....which I couldn't see already looked just like me! We often have no idea WHO we are, until we put ourselves out there? Does this make ANY sense? It's kind of like you ARE who you want to be. You are who you TRY to be.

We feel the wind blowing in our face as we're moving forward. We're out there, making our steps, trying to reach the pinnacle of our existence, which we see afar off...but that we might never attain. But the steps we take are what define us. It's kind of like that cliche: "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Boo! I hate when I'm reduced to a bumper sticker. Oh well, if it's true, it's true!

To me...this is again about faith. I know I'm beating faith up, but seriously. By faith we believe we can reach the "sunny hill." It makes me think:

...These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. For they that say such things declare plainly that they seek a country. - Hebrews 11: 13

This scripture refers to the patriarchs of faith (Abel, Noah, Moses, Abraham, etc.). They died in pursuit of promises, and were PERSUADED of them. They embraced and internalized...and it changed their lives.

That's how we have to be. We have to be persuaded of God's promises, those that are bound up in the Bible...and those that we feel He has made to us specifically. What's at the top of your "sunny hill?"