To be Old: Ungrateful/Grateful

You know what I found out today: I am super ungrateful. I knew this, but I knew it was real when I almost let ill-will and yesterday's bad day taint a really good thing that happened today.  And even though my mind swirls with negative thoughts (still), there is one awesome good thing that I want to hold on to, and that I declare WINNER OF THOUGHTS today:

A couple of months ago, I was sitting in the waiting area of my doctor's office, and wrote this down in my phone:

I find myself jealous of old people. Sagging skin and age-spotted hands gripping a Kindle (go figure) or a Sunkist. With movements that are a slow motion version of 20 years ago. I wonder if they sit here thinking the reverse of what I'm thinking: "what is that young girl doing here?" I know why they're here: they are old.  But what communion does a 20-something have with these men and women in their 70s, 80s, maybe even their 90's. They have begun to break down. Parts have begun to cough and sputter, and the well oiled machine, that is the body, needs tune-ups more often than in the past...and I've joined them! My eyes get a little misty at just that thought, but then I wonder: will I join them?! Will I ever get to be old? Some people are afraid of getting old. Wrinkles. Incontinence. Surely those things suck majorly...but man, I just want the chance to get there. 

I almost cried reading that on my Blackberry. I really sat there, thinking these things, being the only young person in that office.I was clearly super negative that day, and subsequently felt much better, more positive, more delivered. But on that day, I felt like garbage. But then today, I had another doctor's appointment during my lunch break. And it was great! It was flat out great! At the end of the appointment, instead of the doctor ordering another round of blood tests, and instead of the doctor telling me to come back in 1 month, and instead of her giving me yet another scary diagnosis for me to go home and cry about she said:


"Everything's great! You look great! I love your haircut, by the way! So, how about you come back in say a year?" 

A YEAR?! I get to come back in a year! Like a normal person. Nothing is wrong with me. All tests clear. And for that, I am extremely thankful. Thank you Jesus. Thank you friends who supported me through the hard times. Thanks mom! Thanks everyone!