Chasing Pirates...on the next episode of The Wire

So last night I went to the Norah Jones concert at the Lyric Opera House in Baltimore, MD. I shared this musical experience with my friend "June." We set out on our trip to Baltimore from Arlington, VA with two roles:

Me - Driver
June - Navigator

I feel like this trip is best explained via another list:

1. Right off the bat, we miss our exit.

I blame June. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Should I get out of this lane?
June: No...I think you can stay in this lane. Just keep straight; don't exit.
Me: I think I should get out of this lane.
June: I'm positive you can stay in this lane.

...30 seconds later

June: I TOLD YOU NOT TO EXIT! Why did you get off?
Me: I SIMPLY STAYED IN MY LANE!!!

Luckily for us, we could pick up the Washington-Baltimore Parkway at another point along I-395. So ultimately...that part worked out.

As we approached Baltimore, we became lost again. Why? Navigator has me looking for streets that simply don't exist. So we break out the Blackberry and Google Map are our way to salvation. However, Google Maps was a little off (this will be of importance later), but it was irrelevant at that moment because we saw a line of cars heading into a parking structure. So we followed them. Turned out, it was across the street from the Lyric. We hailed the Blackberry as our savior...

2. The Opening Act

We get to the concert, and we're settling in for a chill night of Norah Jones. However, we first had to suffer through the opening act. The whole time I was wondering:

A. Who is this chick?
B. How did she get this opportunity?
C. Why is she squandering it (the opportunity)?

Well, here are the answers:

A. Sasha Dobson
B. She and Norah are friends from WAY back; she's part of the band; and part of a country band with Norah Jones called Puss n Boots.
C. Unknown. Maybe it's not squandering because she knows she can ride her bff's coattails forever.

FOR SHAME!

This chick was so terrible that it was dead silent in there except for when she announced: "This is my last song." At that point there were uproarious cheers. She had no idea what was up... Every time one song ended and then another began, the people around us groaned. I kid you not. Lots of mean comments were whispered, and in truth...I felt a little bad for her.

Check her out:



It was really hard to find a youtube clip that the audience didn't talk ALL the way through. Maybe that's NY. I'll give her this though: She can play her guitar.

3. The Concert was VERY Low-energy

What could I expect? It was Norah Jones...but yet, I didn't expect to feel quite SO chill. I wasn't bored. At all. But I felt like she was singing me lullabies. However, the show couldn't be too exciting or Norah's fans might have had strokes. That crowd was incredibly OLD. You know the crowd is old when the 50 year-old woman sitting next to you turns to you and says: "I'm surprised by how old this crowd is!" I was thinking: are you including yourself? But then I looked around, and I noted that people with canes, walkers, suspenders, and BLUE hair were EVERYWHERE. Norah Jones needs to take a look at her audience and re-evaluate her music career...maybe even her entire life. Is she famous? Yes. Could she be famous-er? Undoubtedly.

4. The Longest Goodbye

Clearly Baltimore loved us, because the city WOULDN'T LET US LEAVE. I've tried to go over the events of last night in my mind a few times, and the only thing that I can think is: it was our destiny to be lost. We left the concert at 10:30 pm, and so begins our twisted tale:

We were hungry, so the very first thing we did was attempt to search for food. In my mind's eye we did not consult our map AT ALL before making a right onto a street that seemed like food could be found on it. This was our first MAJOR mistake.

After we made the aforementioned right turn, we then consulted the map, and decided we would try to get food along our route. Sadly, we were already off route. So we attempt to double back, but based on signs that indicated "No U-turn" and a bunch of one-way streets, we soon found ourselves in a place no one wants to be:

The hood. Now in Baltimore, "the hood" is a real place. There is an entire show about the hoods of Baltimore. It's called The Wire. I've seen one episode, in which a person was killed, and then their body was covered in lime to destroy physical evidence. The deeper we are driving into the hood, and the more lost we become, the more the conversation between me and June the Navigator goes like this:

Me: Oh my God, we're never getting out of here. This is super scary.
June: (silence)
Me: Look at this place; we're going to die in Baltimore.
June: (silence)
Me: Have you ever seen The Wire? (I then recount the episode I saw)
June: PLEASE SHUT UP!

We drive a little further in silence.

At this point, we spot a Burger King. So, since we're hungry we go through the drive-thru and consider asking whoever is at the window for directions. So we get up to the little order box and have an incredibly DIFFICULT time ordering simply two number 1's. One with cheese, one without and 2 coke zeros. First off, the woman taking our orders was pretty short with us. We just needed a moment to figure out what we wanted. Secondly, she couldn't get the concept of only one Whopper being without cheese, and then it took about three tries to convince her that we wanted Coke Zero vs. Coke Original. So as we're driving around:

June: We're not asking her for directions.
Me: Okay
June: I don't think I want to eat here...
Me: WHAT?! We ordered!
June: So? I'm afraid to eat here.
Me: Are you serious? Do you want me to just drive away?
June: I don't know...maybe
Me: This is just Burger King...
June: ok

I think she was afraid they had a storage of dry lime in there...waiting for us. It was a good thing she changed her mind, because those Whoppers hit the spot.

At this point, our paper instructions were useless. So, we break out the SUPER DUPER UBER HANDY Blackberry Google Maps. So began about 30 minutes of constant route recalculation. Of stuff like:

June: Take a left on Guilford Rd in about .3 miles
Me: Nope. We're ON Guilford Rd, and have been on Guilford Rd. for a long time.
June: Oh...

At one point, it told us to get on I-83. I noted that we were driving alongside the expressway, so I started taking streets that I thought would get me near a ramp. I got to a point where I saw the I-83 sign:

June: (tapping on my magic blackberry) Turn right up here to I-83
Me: (calm) Really? I had no idea? Thanks!
June: What?
Me: (calmer still) I was going to turn left if you hadn't spoke up. Despite that big I-83 sign and that arrow pointing right? What would I do without you, Navigator?
June: Less sarcasm please.

Long story short: I-83 was a bust. First we were going north when we should have gone south. Then, it dumped us out in an ever worse hood than before. We saw a gas station, but there were an incredible number of shady characters milling around the gas station, so we decided to pass on asking for directions.

At this time we experienced our most scary moment: THE CAR CHASE

So June and I are back to talking, and then I hear beeping. I look out the window and a white car with completely black window is flagging us down. This car is like right on our bumper, and so I speed up. Then the car is beeping more, and it's trying to pull alongside us. There's this moment where I'm trying to justify this:

My thoughts: Do I have a flat tire? Is my taillight out? Is my trunk open?

So I'm checking all the indicators. Nada. So then he's alongside us, and he rolls down his window just enough to put his hand out and signal for us to pull over. I'm thinking: hell-to-the-no. No way...at this point June is oblivious, and I'm about to drive crazy:

Me: That guy is chasing us.
June: WHAT?!
Me: Do not look to your right! Do not look out that window!
June: Slow down!
Me: NO...OMG...We're gonna die. We're gonna die on the streets of Baltimore.
June: STOP THE COMMENTARY! YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!

After a while he gives up and goes away, but June was about 30 seconds from hearing me spit out a major prayer, I'm talking about pleading the blood of Jesus and everything. I later asked June if she looked out the window...she didn't! I love it! The respect!

Not soon after this ordeal, we stopped, used regular mapquest to get directions from a specific address. This worked. I failed. I made yet another wrong turn. So we later tried this again...and SUCCESSFULLY made it onto I-95 South, and were finally headed home.

We're following the directions very well, when at a green light all we hear are sirens. Suddenly 5 - 6 fire trucks and police cars arrive and block off the street onto which we were supposed to make a left. At which point...we know that fate is conspiring against us. But NOW it's funny. We laugh hysterically, and decide to wing it. And it WORKED. I got June home, and I arrived at my apartment at 1:33 am.

All in all, it was a pretty awesome night. One for the books. A little Norah J for your enjoyment:

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Random TV thoughts: So I cook my dinner (baked pork with onions, mushrooms, garlic, and capers w/ veggie side) and sit down to watch LOST. Had to stop. The sound of my chewing was ruining the experience. Is that or is that not crazy?!

Random TV Thoughts Part 2: I also love V. I'm watching this thinking: dude, you need to tell your fiance she is carrying your reptilian/alien spawn. I mean...I have a right to know. I like this show because it makes me feel down for the cause...and there is no such thing as aliens. **Note: every time I say "There's no such thing as aliens" I think: they heard me! And I slightly fear that they will abduct me just to prove a point.