To Open up, or Not to Open up

Open up or don't? That is the question,
Either embolden our emotions to lay
completely bare to scrutiny of eyes untried,
Or hide fully within the bosom of mystery
and by doing so, vanish

--completely butchered, rag-tag Shakespeare Part II

The Shakespeare gets really hard too!! I had to abandon iambic pentameter, but it still has the same feel when recited (which I've done a couple of times).

I love that little poem (modesty aside) because it SAYS something about how I am feeling (this is the point of poetry).

I decided to research "opening up" to see if I have a legit problem. This is what I came up with:

I. Failure to "open up" is often attributed to the shy

Just for kicks, pretending we have NO IDEA what it means, let's define shy:

Shy [shahy]

adjective

1. easily frightened away; timid.

2. suspicious; distrustful.

3. reluctant; wary.

Not what I was looking for, but true of me

4. deficient: shy of funds. (i.e. "my money is funny, and my credit doesn't get it")

5. scant; short of a full amount or number (see The Tragedies of Being Short)

The definitions were so I could clearly state: THAT'S NOT ME!
Anyone who knows me, knows full well that I'm not shy. But #2 up there, which is blue and bolded...that might have some merit. Shouldn't that be under "wary" though, rather than "shy?" Whatev.

But here's the problem: I still LIKE nearly everyone I meet. I may be distrustful, but everyone has to stand the test of time with me. I am slow-to-warm-up. That's my personality type. But when I like you, I love you. And it's solid. It's like a werewolf imprint (shout out to Team Jacob!!).

II. Exposure is the key to Happiness

Literally, one site I went to said that almost verbatim:

"I feel exposed- in a good way."

"I told myself that I have nothing to fear. I don't care if I am rejected anymore and I realized that releasing my inner-self to others made me feel less stressed."

I disagree with this, because it implies that she doesn't care (at all) what others think. What a liar! (Disclaimer: This chick could be totally legit, but it pleases me to assume this is a falsehood) That's a tall order. Do I feel exposed? Sometimes, and I don't mind it when I'm COMFORTABLE with that person. But people are judgy; I know this because I am judgy. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize that someone can't tolerate you. I mean, geez. But I'm not thinking "geez" when I write people off...

Do I want to feel exposed? No. I want to feel like everything is just a normal, naturally occurring part of the friendship/relationship. If I'm talking freely, I'm talking freely. If you have to "draw it out" of me, it's pretty probable that I'm going to back-pedal away from that line of questioning. Why do people try to "draw things out" anyway? What is that all about? In my opinion, it's all hero complexes. I have one...everyone (to a degree) may have one. We sometimes LOVE the idea of fixing someone else. Not just their problems, but THEM. Rude? Not rude? I don't know. What I do know is that I want to hang out on someone's couch, eat Ruffles with leek dip with Ben & Jerry's ice cream (if it's cold substitute the ice cream with Irish Hot Chocolate), and just vent about my crappy life (which isn't so crappy) without that someone thinking they need to pass me a tissue, hide the razors, or offer me some sage advice. Just listen to my rant, and when it's over...let's watch The Notebook again.

This puts me in the mind of a song, it's kinda old (by old I mean 2007), but it just says OF COURSE I want people to really know me. That day will come...in time. Everyone has something they deal with. Things they're afraid of, things they don't want people to know, blah, blah, blah. Every thing is not as it seems, but some things are...in truth this song doesn't do as good a job at speaking my sentiments as I had originally thought, but it's in the same vein. It's Christian contemporary so it's designed to pull in people who feel lost and alone. I don't feel quite like that, but I just LIKE the song. There. I admit it. Tie in = loose. Or not loose? Thoughts?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

It's Sunday, and I don't really have anything bursting inside me that I have to say.

All I really have are more questions. Questions that I'm looking for God to answer, and so I stay in prayer daily. I know I was just saying last Sunday, that I need to just make a simple statement of availability (i.e. "Here I Am")...but this really isn't so much about me being available. It's more about me just knowing MORE and learning MORE. However, to some extent, that is impossible:

"For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." - I Corinthians 13: 9 - 12

One day I'll know...

In other news I went to church tonight and learned more about the Passover! Yea! We learned about the "Matzoh Pouch" and the 3 pieces of Matzoh inside. PAUSE--I'm sure there is a more official name for the Matzoh Pouch, but I forgot it. Jews may feel free to correct me.--UNPAUSE The speaker focused on the fact that the middle matzoh piece is broken, hidden, and then brought back. In the Christian view of the Matzoh Pouch, the 3 pieces are representative of the 3 manifestation of God: The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit (what, what!). And for that middle piece to be broken, hidden, and then brought back, seems like a precursor for the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus. I mean, he was beaten up, crucified, entombed for three days, and then came back to life. Is it a stretch? I don't think so. Sounds like the Passover Seder, in itself, was a prophetic ceremony...

Anyway, Jesus came as a sacrifice; and He is what we celebrate at Passover. Holy Communion = the Christian Passover Seder. Jews celebrate the Passover Seder to memorialize God passing over their homes during that last and terrible plague in Egypt. In that day, they put the blood of the sacrificial lamb on their doors, so that the angel of the Lord would see it, and pass over their home. Likewise, we take Holy Communion in remembrance of Jesus Christ allowing Himself to be that ultimate sacrifice for sin, which causes the penalty of sin (which is death) to pass over all those who apply the blood of Christ to their lives. Deep. I love parallels. And this particular parallel may further my Christians as Jews 2.0 theory (though I have been changing and re-adapting that over time...one Sunday, you'll get the full blast of that).

In any case, I was really feeling the speaker tonight, because he broke Passover down from a totally Christian viewpoint that I had never heard before. I mean, I've heard it before, but he introduced to me the Matzoh Pouch, and he made everything else seem a little new. And for that, I thank him. I'm kind of stupid in that I think I know it all (despite all the ramblings of the first few paragraphs). So I get SUPER hype when I hear something new.

Just to clarify, the things that I don't know/understand, the things that keep me up at night, are the gray areas. Areas that probably aren't even gray; I create gray areas with my own tainted wisdom, which is not wisdom at all:

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy." James 3:17

Yeah, my wisdom is SO not like that. I need some of that wisdom. For serious. Until then, I just have to stop leaning to my own understanding. I must decrease. I've been saying that to myself for years: I must decrease. It's time for me to "small up" a bit.

Oh! I decided I will play a church song every week. This week's selection is "Restored" by J. Moss. I actually don't like the beginning of this song that much, though...this brother can sing. However, when it hits that vamp it gets really good. Towards the end, I had chills.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I love how he says: "...never rejected, just reconnected." That is my line! They really take it to church at the end. This is my kind of church song. Slow build.

Okay...Goodnight!

Impromptu Haiku Movie Review, Little Balls, Death and Taxes

How to Train Your Dragon

Humanity glimpsed
In the mirror of beast's eyes
Misconceptions die

The haiku piece gets pretty difficult. I had thought up a really awesome Haiku for the movie whilst in the theater, but became distracted by the sheer greatness of the film. This movie was a coming-of-age story for a misunderstood (and outcast) teenager named Hiccup (voiced by Jay Baruschel, i.e. my new favorite Sephardic Jew) who realizes that the people of his village have spent generations fighting dragons as their ultimate enemy only as a result of ignorance. Hiccup befriends a wounded dragon that he names Toothless (due to his retractable teeth) and nurses him back to health. He later uses his extensive knowledge of Toothless to tame other dragons, wowing everyone in his dragon training class (the aim of which is to teach to kill dragons). He soon goes from zero to hero in the community's eyes, but soon faces a moral dilemma that pits what he always wanted against doing what he believes is right. Heavy.

The movie is about dispelling long held misconceptions. It's about standing up for what you believe in, and about doing what's right instead of what's popular. Sound kind of cliche? How to Train Your Dragon is anything but cliche. The animation is superb, and the writing is such that it's like you're watching a live action movie; these characters (and their dilemmas) become very real to the viewer. And the flying scenes with Hiccup and Toothless are simply breathtaking. And guess what? I didn't even see it in 3D! I was awestruck, and I wasn't even watching the movie at its full potential. Given that, I think I'll have to see it again.

It was fanciful and exciting...I was moved. I cried. That's right! I cried. I left the theater feeling like a kid; I left feeling like I'll never grow up, because that movie made me want to run outside and fly on a dragon of my own. I wanted to be a heroine, and save the day, to bring light where there was once darkness. I think it's awesome that kids are seeing this movie and possibly feeling the little kid version of what I felt.

Other notable voice talents: America Ferrera, Gerard Butler (I didn't recognize their voices, and was shocked when the credits rolled)

Little Balls

So, some friends and I trekked out to Silver Spring last night for Cosmic Bowling at White Oak Duckpin Lanes. What is duckpin bowling? It's just like regular bowling except you're throwing little balls at little pins. And you get three throws instead of two. I find it to be WAY more difficult than real bowling. That's not to say this is "fake" bowling but you can't be bored to sleep watching duckpin bowling on TV. Does that make it superior or inferior? You be the judge.

Anyway, I kind of sucked. I bowled 1 strike, 1 spare, and like 3 tens though!! I was beaten though, by a mean Jew named "Sasha." Both in the game and physically. He's really competitive and at one point...he kicked me. A bruise is forming on my shin as we speak. This leads me to my three main problems with playing competitive sports with friends:

1. The Games Can Become Violent

And by "they" I guess I mean men. Since something similar occurred in "To Date or Not to Date" clearly bowling is the catalyst for this behavior. I think men become enraged at the idea of women throwing a ball harder than them. When I was on the bad date, the violence was only implied. Maybe this is because it was "real" bowling. But with duckpin bowling, since the balls and the pins are so small, men have to overcompensate by lashing out with more explicit forms of violence. Watch out ladies...never go duckpin bowling on a date. It's a good thing we're just friends, or he might have punched me out. The kick was enough though. I lost 94 to 122. Sasha is king of duckpin bowling...and fear.

2. Someone Has to Lose

That someone is often ME! This sucks. I'd rather not play...

3. There's no reason not to play!

Forget the other two! I had an awesome time, and would totally do it again. The bowling crowd was super diverse; there was the perfect mix of sketch and snerdy (super nerdy). And the music was fun. We were alternately dancing it out to stuff like the B-52s "Love Shack" and the "Electric Slide" to T-Pain, Chris Brown, Pink...it was random. And great. Try it out.

Death and Taxes

I did my state taxes yesterday, and because I lived in Ohio, Illinois, and Virginia...it was a freaking disaster. It drained away my lifeforce. I almost let Uncle Sam kill me, but I fought back. I almost didn't go out, but if I had done that...there would be no Haiku Movie Review, and no bruise on my shin. So I'm happy I pushed through it. Refund from VA. Happy!!

P.S.

This is not the Sunday post, this is the late Saturday post. I'll have something to say regarding Palm Sunday later on.

The Tragedies of Being Short

short [shawrt], adjective -

1. having little length; not long.
2. extending or reaching only a little way
3. having a scanty or insufficient amount of

DISCLAIMER: I pick and choose the definitions to suit the purposes of my blog...deal with it.

Sometimes being short is the most frustrating thing in the world. I take solace in this simple truth: I am the tallest girl in my family. No lie. I stand at a solid 5 feet, 2 inches (5'2"), and people in my family often say stupid things like, "I wish I was tall like you Krissy." Laughable!

Just this morning--as I was getting dressed--I thought to myself: "Why is there so LITTLE of me?" I am not a lot. I am "a little." This made me ponder the ___ major problems with being short (the blank is because I have no idea where this is going):

1. When you are short people sometimes pat your head.

I AM NOT A CHILD. And even if I was that is still ridiculously rude. Kids have dignity too. I feel like only one person in this world has the right to pat my head and his name is Chris Kringle (aka SANTA). Any other head patters are just plain wrong.

Caveat: The head-patters also say something stupid when they pat your head, like: "you are soooo little." Duh. If I wasn't little, you wouldn't be patting me.

2. You can never see at concerts.

I am a huge concert goer. I love them! However, if I'm not standing in the front row of the floor, or the front row of the balcony...trouble. I like to think I'm hardcore, like I would "throw some 'bows" or just otherwise get people out of my way. But I'm not. They paid just like I paid. They just happened to be tall, and I happened to be short. It's the way the cookie crumbles.

Caveat: HOWEVER, when some giant just saunters up and stands in front of me...I seethe. I hate these Goliath-wannabes who push their way through the crowd to stand in front of girl. Oh yeah, Mr. Tough-stuff...what a punk.

3. You have to walk very quickly when in the company of tall people.

You talls just don't understand...my legs are shorter, and so even if my legs are moving at exactly the same pace as yours, I'll be like 10 steps back. In order to keep up with the tall, I have to increase my speed by at least 30 - 50% (estimated percentages, no study has been performed). This means I'm slightly out of breath during conversations, or not listening because I'm thinking: "I HATE tall people, why are they walking so FAST!"

Caveat: If you are tall, consider slowing it down a bit. I mean, in the long run what's worse? Me having to run to keep up with you, or your enjoying a leisurely stroll to our destination? Think on it.

4. There is always something that you can't reach.

And I do mean ALWAYS. I hate going to groceries stores and having to pull things down off the top shelf. It requires a bit of climbing...sometimes maybe a little jumping. It's embarrassing to say the least. I hate when there is like ONE of an item left on the top shelf. That means it's pushed all the way to the back, and that I have to use something long (like a box of spaghetti noodles) to kind of hook it and bring it forward...all so I can then climb up/jump up to grab it. It's an ordeal. And they'd better not put a jar of something I need up there...can we say "clean up on aisle 7?"

Caveat: Maybe this is the root cause of my blatant disregard for the grocery store, the fact that it doesn't accommodate the short people. My friends (and family) HATE grocery shopping with me, because I don't put things back in the proper place when I decide I don't want them. No matter what. What do I mean "no matter what?" I mean, that I can get something out of the frozen section, decide I don't want it and abandon it by the bread. What I hate is when I split a list with someone, and they get stuff that is on my list (WHY? Did they think I'd forget?) If this happens, and we meet up at some point (before checkout) I will toss that stuff out of my cart, and where it lands, it lands. But I digress...

5. You can't find jeans that fit!!

The average is often too long. The short is often too short. The tall...we don't even look at the tall jeans. Lucky for me, I kind of dig that totally frayed, ripped up look at the bottom of my jeans. Lucky, because that's what happens to nearly every pair because I have to walk on the hem a little (depending on the shoes I wear).

Caveat: Jeans can be hemmed/tailored. But I'm not paying $15 to get jeans hemmed!! The day I do that...I've spent over $150 on the pair of jeans. And since I don't see myself spending more than $85-100 (and $100 is really stretching it) for a pair of jeans, that day may never come.

6. When you hug your tall female friends...it's a little awkward.

My head is clearly boob level for a girl over 5'9" And so when a tall girl embraces me, often there is some grazing, maybe some "cushioning" that is a little awkward...and confusing. Do I like this? Do I dislike this? Where is this going? Is she going to call me later? Should I call her? I don't know what to feel!! It's a mess.

Caveat: This one was a JOKE! I actually thought about it though when making the list...and thought it would be a funny point. However, I have many tall friends. My bff is 6 feet, and we hug ALL the time. And to be truthful...I think my head IS boob level, but it's never an issue. I wonder why. Next time she comes to visit, we're going to have to see where exactly my head falls, which way do I turn my face... It's weird because I have no memory of that ever being a thought in my head. Interesting. Sometimes jokes spur profound thought.

There are SO many more things that make being short suck...and I may revisit them many moons from now when I become frustrated again.

There are good things too! I'll just name this major one:

Short girls can keep "He's taller than me" on their list of requirements for "THE ONE." Tall girls often have to give up on that. They have to settle for just being able to look him in the eye. And when they're not willing to settle for that 5'9" hottie...I'm waiting. Oh yes...I'm waiting.

And with that, I bid you adieu!

Sunday - Jesus and Cheese

It's Sunday!! I know I said that Sunday would be based on my spiritual reflections...but every Sunday is not profound. But I've got a little something:

Spiritual Reflections

Today, I prayed (what I thought) was a really good prayer. It was about moving forward, about being open to learning, and accepting that even though I've been a practicing Christian for 19 of my 27 years (I count from the day I requested baptism) that there is still A LOT that is to be known. One can always go deeper. My main issue over the past 2 - 3 weeks has been to search for more light. And I've been praying that when I find it--because like I said before, "the seeker finds"--that I'll have the strength to walk in that light. It's hard to break away from old ideals and perspectives, but that's what's great about the Bible and about your walk with God: it's constantly being reinvented and made new. It's for the best. So...in that vein I was searching today for new church music to rock out to, and found this song that I felt PERFECTLY reflected my mood, and I wish to share it with you all! I wonder if anyone listens to the music? Anyway, this is off Marvin Sapp's new album "Here I Am." Marvin is making the "Here I Am" statement as one that denotes endurance and long-suffering, that despite LIFE he's still standing on the Word of God, and on the element of his faith. But, for me, "Here I Am" makes me think of Samuel when he answered the call of God. I've never really focused on that Samuel didn't ask God what He wanted with/from him, but rather made a simple statement of availability. I think this is important to note. Have I answered my call with questions? Probably. That's what I do: I question EVERYTHING. I need to have clear direction, purpose, ANSWERS!! However, God just wants you to be open and available, to answer the call with: Here I Am. Only then, when you stop questioning and start trusting, can you move forward. With that, I'll play you my new favorite song "Comfort Zone" by Pastor Marvin Sapp:

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Cheese, Cheese, Cheese!!

I LOVE CHEESE!! No font, no caps, no exclamation point can relay how much I adore cheese. Tonight, I enjoyed a cheese and wine pairing class with some awesome friends, let's call them: "Olivier," "Claudette," and "Lucia" at Cheesetique in Alexandria. I feel like I should have taken a picture of our wine and cheese list (not to mention the cheese), but I didn't. I'll get back to you on what we had, as Claudette took the lists with her (what a smarty). All I know for sure is that I loved that aged Asiago, and they had some awesome stinky cheeses, I ate some rinds, and just overall died from an overdose of "cheese pleasure."

I came away from the event with this one thought: I want to be a sommelier. How INCREDIBLE is this job? You buy and sell wines for restaurants and shops. You travel to Germany, Italy, France, California, and the vineyards of Washington to observe the wine-making process and rub elbows with vineyard royalty. Why am I an accountant?! WHY? Clearly, somewhere along the way in my life...I made a horrible mistake. Is it too late to rectify it? Is it too late to go back and make Cabernet and Rieslings my field of study? Is it? IS IT?

Random Thought of the Day:

Today, while I was on my way to Cheesetique I noticed that the parking lot to my apartment complex was slightly overrun with Hispanics having a merry time. They had created a sort of impromptu picnic, and they were all paired up outside dancing (quite traditionally) to Latin music. The dance couples were pretty young. Some of them...teenagers. And it struck me as incredibly beautiful. I was witnessing a piece of legit culture. Now I'm not sure if they were Mexican, Salvadorian, or what..but it didn't matter. They took a gorgeous spring day and turned it into a cultural party and didn't care who would walk out of the apartment building and look at them sideways. There were kids running around, the Spanish was flowing, and they just danced without a care in the world. It kind of made my day.

The Mystery of Me

Why am I so weird?! I'm at 7:45 am after being out last night, and staying up until nearly 2 am trying to watch House. That is weird, but that's not what makes ME weird. I actually appreciate this morning, because I woke up to not only sunlight but HEAT streaming through my bedroom window, as well as the chaotic melody of birds chirping. THAT is the sound of spring and I LOVE it.

I feel like I'm doing pretty well with one of my New Year's Resolutions. I'm not going to retroactively throw my list up because: (1) That ship has sailed, and (2) my intentions good, but execution? FAIL. I rhymed that on purpose. But the one resolution that I feel like I'm doing pretty well with is:

Say "Yes" when people invite you out.

This is a part of my weirdness. I hate being isolated, but I despise the effort it takes to make new friends. On the surface it seems effortless, but those effortless friends never really get beyond the surface of me, which is at many points both gentle and ridiculously abrasive. And I'm afraid to abrade and then LOSE the new friends. And so since I'm afraid to abrade, in my mind I imagine that my tentativeness is a product of these new people's propensity to judge, be intolerant of, or just generally dislike me. This breeds, in me, a form of (totally unwarranted) dislike towards them, which makes me say "No" to invitations because I think I'll have a bad time. But the dislike isn't really for them, per se; it's for my inability to hold my tongue from all the self-sabotaging things I say. So as you can see I push people away. Did I mention I'm kind of neurotic?

So, if we get beyond that initial neurosis, there are the things that I say. EVERYTHING that I say is in some fashion a joke...or something with an element of shock value. But it's a joke laced with an element of truth, or it's a joke that attempts to reveal a hidden facet of my personality in order to further "knowledge of Krissy." Sometimes these do not go down well, which makes me think: SHUT UP! SHUT UP KRISTEN! That's because in some ways I know those jokes are a form of self-sabotage, a way to accelerate the self-fulfilling prophecy of isolation.

"Why so crazy" you might ask? I had an intense best friendship that just went ALL kinds of wrong. And...I'm bitter. Just for blogging purposes let's call this chick "Sophia." I don't think it's any coincidence that all my closest friends--the ones who I can confide in, the ones who know exactly WHO I am, the ones who know not to listen to me (because I say A LOT of things I don't mean)when I'm (1) rambling, (2) sleepy, or (3) on a tirade--were made either concurrent with or pre-Sophia. And since I met her (and the drama began the DAY I met her) when I was TWELVE, my pool of confidante-caliber friends is low. I'm not trying to hate on the friends I have now. The friends I made in college, in Chicago, in D.C. = AWESOME!! But I have the ability to embarrass myself around them. And, to me, when you have that deep friendship...anything goes.

What am I trying to say? Who knows? God knows. But in truth, I'm just up...early in the morning. Writing a post. A post that is a lot about how psychologically damaging ALL relationships can be (not just those romantic ones that leave you feeling like you've been bulldozed). A post about isolation in a largely disconnected society, and the difficulty in trying to connect with it. A post about why I say: "I want to go home" ALL the time. It's not about Toledo. It's about the safety and familiarity of people who know you. That being said, I want to give a shout out to the ladies who KNOW KNOW me:

Tummie, Tage, Crystal, and Valerie. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Honorable mention: Connie. We just need a little more time. She's post-Sophia. But she breaks through. Which makes me note: I love people who acknowledge I have a wall up, and break it down with their insight. I love insightful people. Who doesn't?

Am I a self-important, arrogant fool? Do all people go through this, and I somehow think I'm special and deep/profound/complicated? Have I just created a convoluted explanation for: I feel uncomfortable around new people? ...Probably. That's part of who I am. I just talk. This post was just talk. What do I care about Sophia? There are really only 2 - 3 bits of personal information I purposely withhold, because it's ummm PERSONAL. Why do I think that people have to know everything about you to be good, close friends? Ohhhh...maybe it is Sophia. If I ever thought I knew anyone...it was her, and I was DEAD wrong. Dead wrong for 7 whole years. That will mess with your opinion of your ability to judge character. Majorly.

Alright. Time to get up. Get ready to go running.

Bad Day!!

Today has been a really horrific day. Someone I know...his mom died, I had a fruitless trip to the doctor's office, work was a constant fire drill, I was forced to take an abbreviated lunch, I got my sweater dirty, AND...AND...AND...I gained 2lbs. That 2lbs. made me almost lose it. Do you know how much I've been working out? How hard I've been running? This blows major chunks. I might have to step up my game, watch the calories, start eating bits of lettuce.

However, in all of that tragedy: a bright spot emerged in my inbox. LILITH FAIR UPDATE!!! They have this incredible confirmed lineup that makes me salivate with music-loving...ummm...with music-loving...saliva! Check out the lineup: http://www.lilithfair.com/artists

I am very hype about going. This will be my first Lilith Fair. I was first lured in by the draw of Ingrid Michaelson--the musical love of my life. But they have ALL of my favorites, with the exception of Leslie Feist, but she plays it a little too cool for Lilith Fair. Plus, she might be mixing it up with Broken Social Scene...they have an album coming out (their website is WAAAAACK!! but I like their song "World Sick").

Okay, onto THE DATE:

Where: Tallula Restaurant in Arlington
Duration: 3 hours (6:30 - 9:30)
Goodnight Kiss: No
Late Night Text: Yes - he texted to inform me that he had a "great" time and wanted to see me again. Awww! Yea!
Follow-up Call Next Day: Yes, as well as a little BBM action

Twist of the Night: Our waiter. He was the most flamboyant homosexual that I have ever met--PAUSE: I am a lover of GLBT culture. I listen to Tegan and Sara AND Melissa Etheridge, I've seen tons of GLBT films, AND I love the Chicago Pride Parade...I am NOT homophobic--UNPAUSE Anyway, this guy was like Jeremy Piven in Rush Hour 2...TIMES 100!!!



Anyway, while my date (let's call him "Steve") was in the restroom, this conversation took place:

Waiter: "You remind me of my wife! The way you only take a few sips of your wine during dinner and then save the rest for after dinner conversation."

Me (mouth agape): "..."

I WAS FLOORED!! WIFE?! Please define "wife." I'm thinking: "Is this guy lying? Is he on the DL? Is his wife some kind of blind/deaf unknowing FOOL? Or is he just a really expressive person, a kind and gentle man who treats his woman like the QUEEN she is?" The world will never know.

Otherwise, it was just a nice date. Nice dates don't make for good stories. Hopefully, I'll have plenty of non-stories with this guy because he's pretty hot. He has long eyelashes. LOVE IT!!

Anyway, he called...another date on Saturday. Let's see where this leads.

**Update**

Remember yesterday when I was talking about black hair care? Well after further investigation, I find that some black women get around the once a week rule by “co-washing.” I’ve never heard of this before, so I’m a little intrigued. Co-washing is washing your hair with conditioner ONLY. No shampoo. Shampoo has sulfate, sulfate dries out our hair, leading to breakage. The issue is SO real. Right now, it’s been like 5 days since I washed my hair, and it is super dry. If I was white or Asian, it would be super greasy and sick by now. Something HAS to be done! If I put oil in it, it’ll be weighted down…if I wash it…it’ll be poofy and more dry. Maybe I’ll “co-wash” it. I don’t have time to do this BEFORE the date, so I’ll have to suffer through the self-conscious burning of a bad hair day. However, I will try it later tonight when I get home, and see how it works out.

Date Tomorrow and Other Random Thoughts

Blogging is hard work.

I know this sounds stupid, but it's true! It takes quite a long time to get across my perspective in what I believe to be "my voice." Plus, all the technical issues. It took me A LONG TIME to figure out how to get Tye Tribbett's "Son of Man" to play in my Sunday post "I'm Late for For Service!" That being said...I hope someone listened to it. It's a great song.

Anyway, I have a date tomorrow--PAUSE

In that moment I thought: "that guy hasn't even called me today" then I looked at my phone and saw that I missed a call. His call. Should I call him or finish my blog post? LOST is on tonight, and I'm writing this in the 30 min. time frame I allow to pass so that I can watch the most awesome show on the planet WITHOUT commercial interruption, on TiVo. If I call him now, it will SURELY run into LOST time. It will also derail my blogging. Dilemma...

I called. No answer.--UNPAUSE

Well, maybe I have a date tomorrow; maybe I don't, based on the the events that took place in the little "time out" above. In any case, my problem with a midweek date are manifold:

1. My hair is a freaking mess. This is because I work out during the week, so my hair gets sweated out...and I just let it dry. I wash my hair ONCE a week, on Friday night--often in anticipation of a Saturday date, so it's fresh and perfect. If I wash my hair tonight: (a) I'll miss LOST, (b) it'll be super poofy tomorrow--this is week 7 of my relaxer, (c) I will be unable to work out tomorrow morning. All of these are serious issues, but (b) is actually the most serious. If it's going to look crazy anyway...why bother and trigger (a) and (c)?

Caveat: If you're of an ethnicity other than African, you might be thinking: "You wash your hair once a week?! GROSS!" Judge not, lest ye be judged...dummy. In any case, if you had this thought you may suffer from having few to no black friends. This is nothing to be ashamed of. There are many things we don't know about your culture as well...HAHAHAHA. Puh-leeze! We learn about white culture daily in classrooms around this country. While that does not explicitly include hair care, how do we know that white people wash their hair daily, or else risk being termed a "greaser?" Osmosis? Anyway, here's a little education for you, "a la Google." If you type in Google "how often should black women wash their hair" you will get LOADS of results. All which say something along these lines:

If you are like most African-Americans, your hair is very dry and delicate. Depending on your particular hair style, you should wash and condition your hair once a week, or once every two weeks. Hair care products for other ethnicities are designed to remove oily buildup. But since African-American hair has the opposite problem, lack of oil, you don't want to strip your hair of oil by washing it too often.

Note: If I'm wrong about white people washing their hair every day please tell me. I'm always open to knowledge!!

2. My eyebrows are a little unkempt. This is because I forgot to go get them threaded in the mall last Friday. I could get them threaded tomorrow at lunch, BUT: (a) I'll miss lunch, (b) the girl I like only works on Friday; I find the other girl does not know what she is doing, (c) I'm not paying that disliked girl $12 to do a bad job on my eyebrows.

3. It rushes me. This means I either have to come to work with EVERYTHING:
(a) Change of clothes, (b) make-up [Note: I don't wear make-up to work, because first off...I hate make-up, and second...who am I trying to impress in that joint?], (c) there is no "c"...but everything ELSE had three points. It seemed right. WAIT! There is a "c": (c) I'm always late ANYWAY; this creates a lot of additional pressure.

Okay, I think that's going to be it for tonight. I had some thoughts about The Amazing Race and swimming, the tragedies of being short, why it's OK to eat chili regardless of the weather, and other random items. Perhaps another time...I want to watch LOST. I'm hoping Josh Holloway is in this episode. He is pure eye candy! I just found out his birthday is ONE day before mine! I feel a little more connected to him now. It's like Magic. Like LOST Magic...a thing of beauty.

P.S. He just called.

I'm Late for Service!

"♫Oh...I'm late for service
Let me tell you why this makes me nervous
My stomach starts to aching,
when I see my seat's been taken
OOOOHHHH Lord, I'm late for service♫"

Remember that?! BET Comicview why did you become so wack and go away?

I've decided that the Sunday post will always have something in it about my church/spiritual experience. I know, right now...I have an audience that is Jewish/Agnostic/Christian/etc., but...like I said before: I'm not writing to the audience. I have to just do me.

In any case, today was all church all the time. TWO, that's right TWO services! They were very different. Like night and day. There's a big difference between "black church" and "white church" but you know what is the same? Smatterings. In many black churches, there is a random smattering of white people. It is likewise in the white church. I caught the eye of a few darkies. We TOO can praise and worship with an electric guitar. Oh yeah! Can we say Tye Tribbett? This song is a little old, but I still rock out to it in my car from time to time:

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Both church experiences were interesting, to say the least. I don't want to berate anyone's church, and so I'll leave out names to protect the innocent.

Black Church

DC is SOOOOO so so so so very GHETTO! I can't stress that enough. I think all black stereotypes are based on people from DC Metro. Here, the stereotypes are true. Hahaha (I'm only 1/2 kidding). Seeing as that I've lived a pretty transient lifestyle (no I am not homeless, I move for work) I've church hopped quite a bit. Today I can FINALLY say: I've seen it all. They took offerings on CREDIT, literally people were up at the front swiping their VISA/Mastercard/AMEX (truly accepted EVERY where) and signing. I almost lost it...they probably would have thought I was "slain in the spirit" but in reality...I was quaking under the power of hilarity. Also, take a deep breath...you WON'T believe me: they had Auto-Tune. I kid you not!! And they sang a snippet from a VERY SECULAR song, tried to remake it into something "holy" a la Drake.

♫ Cause I like God, you like God too, and they like God, we like God too ♫

Click on the Drake link if you don't recognize the song. **Disclaimer: I don't really listen to rap music, but if I did it wouldn't be something so derogatory. Admittedly, the beat is very catchy, but I don't think this song should have been remade into a "church song" and DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR CHURCHY SENSIBILITIES CRUSHED**!!! :

Shocked doesn't even begin...


White Church


This put me in the mind of my church in Chicago, just full of white people. It's similar in that it's a MEGA church (lots lots lots of members). It also has the same kind of concert-y worship feel in the beginning. Both are very hardcore about ministry and getting to work in the community and in the church. So they are very active Christians, and I like that.

So the music...not what I'm accustomed to, but not bad by any means. It just didn't have A LOT of harmony, and it was kind of lyric heavy. I like that repetitive, I-can-get-lost-in-this-refrain type of worship (circa Israel Houghton "To Worship You I Live"). Preaching did not take place, so I was a little PO'd, but not very, as I received some information on the mission and the vision of the church. I appreciate a church with vision: "w/o vision the people perish." This place was teeming with 20-somethings, and by teeming, I mean THOUSANDS. To pull out that many young people, something must be right. So I figure I'll go back and try to catch a sermon. I have to give my Bible a chance to at least get cracked open in that place.

Despite the above, today was actually a really good day for me spiritually. God has been dealing with me on a NUMBER of issues, but the main one is regarding "seeking." Someone used the term "seeker" while communicating with me during the week, and I take it to mean someone who does not know God, who does not have a relationship with God, but who WANTS a relationship. I thought I was being mistaken for a "seeker" and I freaked out. I was born and raised in the church, baptized, filled with the Holy Spirit, and trying to live for God! Seeker?! ME?!!...pssh! How dumb am I? I should BE a seeker. There is a great blessing in being a seeker. The Bible says that whoever seeks...FINDS! So I always want to seeking, so I can constantly find a deeper place in the Lord. To be a seeker is a freaking compliment of the first order. WHAT? WHAT? I have to hunger and thirst after righteousness...or I won't get fed. It's deep.

In any case, I have some other thoughts...maybe next Sunday.

Bible Thought of the Day:

Genesis 1:3 - What happened on the first day? Think about it, don’t read ahead. Make a choice.
Genesis 1:16-19 – What happened on the fourth day? What differentiates this from the first?

It makes me thinks of Hebrews 11:3 - Through faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that things which are seen were not made of things which do appear.

HEAVY!!!


P.S.

I have a date on Wednesday, more details to follow.
God Bless!

**Update**

From now on, there will be no more blatant posts about the dating experiences. Just generalized observations.

Life is a learning process, so lesson learned on this one. I called Nice Guy and just told him flat out: I'm not feeling it. It was horrible.

You want to know what is MOST horrible? All the ADVICE from your friends. After laying out the dilemma, this is what I heard:

Friend 1: DUMP HIM!
Friend 2: Give it a few more dates, see if you can get some chemistry going.
Mom: I think you should go by what YOU feel; if you're not feeling it, let him go.
Friends 3,4,5: WHAT?! You didn't kiss him after the first date?! I can't believe he even called you back!
Friends 3,4,5: Clearly, you're not attracted. You don't like him. Let him go.
Mom again (15 min. later AFTER I've called it off): Maybe you should give him more of chance, you're lonely...maybe he's lonely...
Brother (in the background of call with Mom): That's why she's going to end up with some bum. You can't treat GOOD people any old kind of way. If he was a good man, she should have tried to keep him around.

...
...
...

I'm in my apartment laughing HYSTERICALLY. I feel a tinge of insanity creeping in.

Misgivings

I'm starting to think this blog is a mistake for a myriad of reasons:

1) How do I blog about my dating experiences, without the object(s) of those experiences being like: "Hey! She's blogging about me?"

I am concerned about this because my high school bff (Valerie) has tagged my blog in a post on Facebook. Hours later, Nice Guy makes a friend request. WHAT TO DO?! This is flat out horrific. What did I say in a previous post: My life is a comedy of errors. Why is that?

Maybe my life is such, because I think it to be such. Yes? No? We've all come across The Secret, whether it be in book or DVD format (I was forced into the latter by a particularly zealous friend...on a LADIES NIGHT. Talk about a party starter...). And for those of us who grew up in The Church, we know that The Secret is--in fact--not a secret at all. Just that good-old-fashioned-Hebrews 11-"F-A-I-T-H all you need is a little more faith." Faith goes both ways. It can be positive and it can be negative. If I think "tragedy" concerning my dating life, am I thinking tragedy into my dating life? Food for thought.

2. I wasn't really hoping that people I KNEW would read the blog. That creates pressure that I'm not sure I want.

I don't want to feel like I'm writing to a specific audience. This is to the World Wide Web. It's to everyone and no one. Its for all and yet for none. Does that make sense?

I guess I have to pretend as if the outside world doesn't exist. I want the blog to have purpose, more than just me, sitting in my bedroom, pecking away at the keys of my laptop just to pass time. But even with that, I'm not trying to REACH anyone. At least not with this blog.

3. People keep asking me: "What's your blog about?"

My blog is a "Seinfeld" blog. It's about nothing. NOTHING. But yet, now, I feel like I should give it more structure, like it should have a focus...but anyone who knows me is aware that I'm not very structured, or very focused. I don't make sense...and it's on accident. I mean it's just how I am. When Valerie heard I was doing the blog she said:

"...You have an interesting point of view. You're religious, but you're militant. You're conservative, but you're reckless sometimes. You want a man, but you hate PDA. Now that's funny."

Don't you love it when your friends get you? It's this truth that will force me to persevere.

Regarding Nice Guy, I called him earlier today (before the friend request)...and I tried to throw him off by giving him the "I want to go very slow" speech. But that's actually exacerbating the problem. I see that now. People may not know this, but I hate confrontation. I'm so often a part of confrontation because I can't stand the idea that someone is trying to play me, or get over. And so I act out. It's sad really... This guy is different because he's just trying to form a relationship; this makes the confrontation even less desirable. However, at this point I'm being a $%#^& (bad words). So, I'll have to try again, and this time do it right. Maybe I'll make myself a little script. I tend to ramble...and thus say RIDICULOUS things. I don't want it to go down that road.

To Date or Not to Date

To Date or Not to Date?
That is the question?
Whether 'tis nobler for the heart
to hold fast to inhibitions and surrender nothing
Or take arms against a sea of neurosis
and by opposing find love?
--Ragtag Totally Butchered Shakespeare


So what am I trying to say? So there's this guy that I've been seeing, and I am not really feeling him at the moment. In fact, in my minds eye I don't really see this EVER turning into something meaningful. Then why, you might ask, don't I just give him the boot, the old "heave-ho!", kick him to the curb? It's quite simple:

1) I'm 27...enough said?

2) THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM!!

He's moderately attractive, he has a nice job, he's kind, he laughs at my jokes, he's attentive, and he's not pushy. He's a nice guy. All my life I've shook my head at all the "nice guys finish last" garbage. I've always thought: "I wish I could meet a legitimately NICE guy." Truth be told, my life has been fraught with losers. Some people say they only date losers. Not me. I DECLARE I have only dated losers (with the exception of 1 guy...who was awesome, and who I still hold out secret hope for). Actually, I guess it's not so secret anymore, but you don't know who he is; so it's still technically a secret. Ha! Take that blog!

In any case, let's examine what I mean by "loser."

Krissy K's Loose Criteria for Identifying a Loser Based on Prior Experience

1. If he ever starts a sentence with "As soon as I get my..." you know he doesn't have anything coming.

People who are always waiting for something along the lines of a "big break" or a "disability check" because a file cabinet fell on their foot at work, or anything of that nature have very high potential for loserdom. They are not automatically losers, because some of these people really WILL get a disability check, and some of them actually WILL get a big break (talent lives under some pretty strange rocks). The question is: How long are you willing to wait around for your frog loser to turn into a prince?

Caveat: I always say - "I don't date people with dreams." So I've personally learned to beware of rappers, producers, beat-makers, poets, painters, etc. These people are always waiting for something.

2. He complains about the cost of the date, whilst on the date, when the date was ALL HIS IDEA.

I hate this. First of all, if you are broke, then you are in no position to date. You are in a position to wait. You need to take a hiatus from the dating scene until you get your life in order. Second, do some research. You need not be shocked by the bill when it magically appears on the table. You need not gasp in outrage when you find out the cost of bowling shoes. Google works! However, if you are truly broke you may not have access to high speed internet, at which point maybe I understand.

They try to make you feel guilty, like you're draining every bit of their money. Like if they pay for that dessert...their heat will be cut off. Why should I feel guilty? You asked ME out, and guess what? I'm hungry.

Caveat: Someone is not going to come right out and tell you he is broke. He will show you by suggesting that you guys simply "hang out" at your place and watch DVDs for like the 2nd and 3rd date. That way he's conveniently at your apartment on the 3rd date thinking he's about to get somewhere after "wooing" you with The Hurt Locker (his choice, not yours).

3. He calls you at all crazy hours of the night.

Do I even need to expound upon this?

4. He tells you all about ex-girlfriends, and refers to all of them as "crazy."

Maybe it's just me, but I hate hearing about ex-girlfriends. However, if I do hear about ex-girlfriends, I kind of want it to be more in terms of "she really got me hooked on Talib Kweli" or "we just wanted different things out of life." However, when it's all "that b#$%^ was crazy," or "she just stood outside the apartment door screaming...I wasn't letting her in with her acting like that!"or "...so I KNEW the baby wasn't mine" or "she said she would kill herself if I..." What place do any of these sentences have in first date conversation? PLEASE! SOMEONE TELL ME!

Caveat: I am of the opinion that girls do not become "crazy" in a vacuum. The more you tell me about how nutters she is, the more I start to think: what did you DO to her?!

5. If he threatens you with violence...even jokingly.

I went on a bowling date once with a guy. I was beating him, which he didn't take too well. He had just taken a turn, knocked down 9 out of the 10 pins. With one pin up, he approaches to knock down the spare. Halfway up the lane, he turns around, and with a twinge of menace in his eyes says: "That pin down there is you." Imagine my shock! He takes aim, rolls the ball, and misses. Gutter ball. As he returns to his seat, I get up, walk past him to pick up my ball, and snidely say: "You missed me." Boo yah! Take that Bad Date!

Those are my top 5. They are not really transferable to the female dating population at large. It's more just to illustrate how my life is both (a) a cautionary tale, and (b) a comedy of errors. So if you by chance DO date a guy who does these things, or you ARE a guy who does these things...simply stop.

So this all leads back to Nice Guy. What to do? Based on the caliber of men I'm accustomed to dating, he is a veritable find! He's e-mailed me twice today, and I feel like...I should call him. I don't feel comfortable with him paying for another date. That feels wrong. But at the same time I feel like maybe if I give this time, something "magical" will happen. Or it won't. I don't want to waste his time, but I don't want to look back when I'm 28 and say: "I should have given Nice Guy more of a chance." It's a real dilemma. Or is it?

Impromptu Haiku Movie Review:

Couple of sweethearts
Encounter a bad, bad box
Foolishness Ensues

The Box (2009)

I linked the movie title to its review at Rotten Tomatoes, a site I CLEARLY should have consulted prior to wasting my coupon. And oh, it was most assuredly wasted. Who are these people who conspire to steal 90 to 120 minutes of my life? Who I ask?! I think there are writers, directors, and producers huddled in a small room with dim, flickering fluorescent light...with a faint buzzing in the distance, cackling (insanely) over the coupon they tricked me into wasting on this movie!

Anyway, the movie chronicles the foolish machinations of Norma and Arthur Lewis (Cameron "totally wack" Diaz and James "I'm-just-a-pretty-face" Marsden ), a suburban couple who receives a gift box containing a button, at 5:45am. Later in the day, a disturbingly disfigured man shows up and basically says: If you push the button you get $1 million, but here's the catch (there's always a catch, right?), when you push the button, someone, somewhere, that you DO NOT know will die. Of course, they've shown us in earlier scenes how the Lewis' are in desperate need of the money. I kid you not, without this $1 million their son will have to go to public school, as they can no longer afford private. Oh "The Horror! The Horror!" As a product of public school, I can tell you: it's bad news. If you go to public school, you're future-less, doomed to a life of Big & Tasties (Big Macs are SO out of your league) and bad skin. And for this noble cause...they push the button and end someone's life. For a 12 year-old's tuition.

Note: Cameron Diaz also has a disfigured foot which needs surgery, which they can't afford...but that's a minor point.

What follows is a "hair-raising" psychological thriller, that ultimately ends with ALIENS, though they don't say it's aliens. In fact, no real answers are given. It's a movie toying with moral dilemmas, the current state of humanity and the worth of human life. The premise sounds AMAZING, but the execution was pretty faulty. Stand out performances by...no one. Cameron Diaz grated my nerves with a horrific southern accent, and all James Marsden did was smile and cry. Have I seen worse movies? Yes. But this definitely goes into the top 20 list of All Time Worst Movies. Watch at your own risk.

And to think I forewent Grey's for this junk. I missed Grey's! Grey's makes me feel happy, and I watched The Box!! My life is ruined.

Note: Grey's is TiVoed...but that's a minor point.

The Beginning

I've had it in my heart to start writing a blog for a couple of months now. I have some friends who think that I'm this hilarious person and I would write an AWESOME blog, but somehow I doubt that it would be all that awe-inspiring. I feel this way for a couple of reasons:

1) I'm not really funny. This is a fallacy borne of people's belief that they KNOW me. They think I'm joking when I'm 100% serious. They think I'm serious when I'm 100% joking. People who are this confused can only laugh. They just don't know any better.

2) I'm actually a very private person. I talk quite a bit. I'm a virtual chatter box, but all of that is simply noise. Confusing noise that makes them think they're learning ALL about me while being entertained with the hilarity of my life all at the same time. A real two-for-one deal. But no one ever gets all of me.

Hence...this blog. I know that at first I'll probably treat the blog the way I treat everyone else: by offering it half of myself. It is my hope though, that over time I'll start to recount the uncensored events of my day, my encounters with strangers, and my overall feelings HONESTLY with the blog. In so doing, I will free myself...HAHAHAHAHA. Yeah right, I'll just write down whatever comes to mind, hope that someone is reading it. Or maybe hope that someone is NOT reading it (if I get too honest).

First things first: Why July Flame?

Reason # 1: July Flame is an awesome song released by singer/songwriter Laura Veirs, and the song literally gives me chills up and down my spine when I hear it. Give it a listen:

I identify with Laura; she's nerdy cool; I'm nerdy cool. She always performs in her glasses; I abhor contact lenses. She's a rock star; I'm an accountant. See? We're like the same.

(10 min have passed...) TIME OUT! I go to find some photos of Laura Veirs, so I can do a side-by-side view of our "twinness" and this chick has all these professional photos of herself WITHOUT her glasses. Who does she think she is? Is she too good for a little plastic and glass? What a tramp. I'm utterly disgusted. My opinion of her has changed; however, the song is still awesome, and the blog name has been chosen. C'est la vie. It's kind of apropos, I was just saying I never give all of myself. Laura just taught me: You never know a person. ESPECIALLY one you haven't actually ever met. I thought I knew her through her music. What a fool I am.

Reason #2: I am a July Flame. I was born on July 21st (Cancers UNITE!!!), and I'm a bit of a spitfire. I speak my mind, and if pushed...I will cut you. For serious. AND I'm on fire for God...true story. I know that's kind of incongruous with the "I will cut you" remark but Peter (one of the 12 apostles) cut off someone's ear. So, God clearly deals with hotheads.

Alright, I think that is enough for a first post. I'm about to watch The Box. I started it last night, but fell asleep. However, I used a good coupon to get this movie for FREE. I can't waste it.