Impromptu Haiku Movie Review:

Couple of sweethearts
Encounter a bad, bad box
Foolishness Ensues

The Box (2009)

I linked the movie title to its review at Rotten Tomatoes, a site I CLEARLY should have consulted prior to wasting my coupon. And oh, it was most assuredly wasted. Who are these people who conspire to steal 90 to 120 minutes of my life? Who I ask?! I think there are writers, directors, and producers huddled in a small room with dim, flickering fluorescent light...with a faint buzzing in the distance, cackling (insanely) over the coupon they tricked me into wasting on this movie!

Anyway, the movie chronicles the foolish machinations of Norma and Arthur Lewis (Cameron "totally wack" Diaz and James "I'm-just-a-pretty-face" Marsden ), a suburban couple who receives a gift box containing a button, at 5:45am. Later in the day, a disturbingly disfigured man shows up and basically says: If you push the button you get $1 million, but here's the catch (there's always a catch, right?), when you push the button, someone, somewhere, that you DO NOT know will die. Of course, they've shown us in earlier scenes how the Lewis' are in desperate need of the money. I kid you not, without this $1 million their son will have to go to public school, as they can no longer afford private. Oh "The Horror! The Horror!" As a product of public school, I can tell you: it's bad news. If you go to public school, you're future-less, doomed to a life of Big & Tasties (Big Macs are SO out of your league) and bad skin. And for this noble cause...they push the button and end someone's life. For a 12 year-old's tuition.

Note: Cameron Diaz also has a disfigured foot which needs surgery, which they can't afford...but that's a minor point.

What follows is a "hair-raising" psychological thriller, that ultimately ends with ALIENS, though they don't say it's aliens. In fact, no real answers are given. It's a movie toying with moral dilemmas, the current state of humanity and the worth of human life. The premise sounds AMAZING, but the execution was pretty faulty. Stand out performances by...no one. Cameron Diaz grated my nerves with a horrific southern accent, and all James Marsden did was smile and cry. Have I seen worse movies? Yes. But this definitely goes into the top 20 list of All Time Worst Movies. Watch at your own risk.

And to think I forewent Grey's for this junk. I missed Grey's! Grey's makes me feel happy, and I watched The Box!! My life is ruined.

Note: Grey's is TiVoed...but that's a minor point.