The Mystery of Me

Why am I so weird?! I'm at 7:45 am after being out last night, and staying up until nearly 2 am trying to watch House. That is weird, but that's not what makes ME weird. I actually appreciate this morning, because I woke up to not only sunlight but HEAT streaming through my bedroom window, as well as the chaotic melody of birds chirping. THAT is the sound of spring and I LOVE it.

I feel like I'm doing pretty well with one of my New Year's Resolutions. I'm not going to retroactively throw my list up because: (1) That ship has sailed, and (2) my intentions good, but execution? FAIL. I rhymed that on purpose. But the one resolution that I feel like I'm doing pretty well with is:

Say "Yes" when people invite you out.

This is a part of my weirdness. I hate being isolated, but I despise the effort it takes to make new friends. On the surface it seems effortless, but those effortless friends never really get beyond the surface of me, which is at many points both gentle and ridiculously abrasive. And I'm afraid to abrade and then LOSE the new friends. And so since I'm afraid to abrade, in my mind I imagine that my tentativeness is a product of these new people's propensity to judge, be intolerant of, or just generally dislike me. This breeds, in me, a form of (totally unwarranted) dislike towards them, which makes me say "No" to invitations because I think I'll have a bad time. But the dislike isn't really for them, per se; it's for my inability to hold my tongue from all the self-sabotaging things I say. So as you can see I push people away. Did I mention I'm kind of neurotic?

So, if we get beyond that initial neurosis, there are the things that I say. EVERYTHING that I say is in some fashion a joke...or something with an element of shock value. But it's a joke laced with an element of truth, or it's a joke that attempts to reveal a hidden facet of my personality in order to further "knowledge of Krissy." Sometimes these do not go down well, which makes me think: SHUT UP! SHUT UP KRISTEN! That's because in some ways I know those jokes are a form of self-sabotage, a way to accelerate the self-fulfilling prophecy of isolation.

"Why so crazy" you might ask? I had an intense best friendship that just went ALL kinds of wrong. And...I'm bitter. Just for blogging purposes let's call this chick "Sophia." I don't think it's any coincidence that all my closest friends--the ones who I can confide in, the ones who know exactly WHO I am, the ones who know not to listen to me (because I say A LOT of things I don't mean)when I'm (1) rambling, (2) sleepy, or (3) on a tirade--were made either concurrent with or pre-Sophia. And since I met her (and the drama began the DAY I met her) when I was TWELVE, my pool of confidante-caliber friends is low. I'm not trying to hate on the friends I have now. The friends I made in college, in Chicago, in D.C. = AWESOME!! But I have the ability to embarrass myself around them. And, to me, when you have that deep friendship...anything goes.

What am I trying to say? Who knows? God knows. But in truth, I'm just up...early in the morning. Writing a post. A post that is a lot about how psychologically damaging ALL relationships can be (not just those romantic ones that leave you feeling like you've been bulldozed). A post about isolation in a largely disconnected society, and the difficulty in trying to connect with it. A post about why I say: "I want to go home" ALL the time. It's not about Toledo. It's about the safety and familiarity of people who know you. That being said, I want to give a shout out to the ladies who KNOW KNOW me:

Tummie, Tage, Crystal, and Valerie. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Honorable mention: Connie. We just need a little more time. She's post-Sophia. But she breaks through. Which makes me note: I love people who acknowledge I have a wall up, and break it down with their insight. I love insightful people. Who doesn't?

Am I a self-important, arrogant fool? Do all people go through this, and I somehow think I'm special and deep/profound/complicated? Have I just created a convoluted explanation for: I feel uncomfortable around new people? ...Probably. That's part of who I am. I just talk. This post was just talk. What do I care about Sophia? There are really only 2 - 3 bits of personal information I purposely withhold, because it's ummm PERSONAL. Why do I think that people have to know everything about you to be good, close friends? Ohhhh...maybe it is Sophia. If I ever thought I knew anyone...it was her, and I was DEAD wrong. Dead wrong for 7 whole years. That will mess with your opinion of your ability to judge character. Majorly.

Alright. Time to get up. Get ready to go running.