Critical Mass

Okay, I've been gone a long time, but I feel like I should write a blog post. Today, at work...I had a slight episode with my hand, a blood flow issue that freaked me out and made me run home, take meds, and veg out on the couch. And on that couch, where sleep alluded me I thought all sort of negative thoughts: I'll never get married! I'll never have kids! THIS is the last Christmas! It was like all these fears were exploding in my head. And it made me think of a nuclear chain reaction. An emotional nuclear chain reaction. All this led to me thinking: what's my critical mass?

Critical Mass - the smallest amount of fissile material needed for a sustained nuclear chain reaction.

My critical mass is fear. And believe me...it doesn't take much. Fear is the material that splits up, and divides my faith. And when my faith is jacked up...I have these self-propagating, destructive thoughts (an emotional nuclear chain reaction).

How do I stop this? HOW?!!

There is some super scientific answer (neuron absorption or whatever) that I don't understand AT ALL...but on a more personal and immediate level...does it suck to say the answer is prayer? It seems so puny, so inconsequential in the face of a NUCLEAR CHAIN REACTION, but it's all I've got.

--Pause-- I went and prayed. I felt like it was stupid to write about prayer without employing it. Why be a hypocrite via my own blog?--UnPause--

Okay, so I prayed. And legitimately...I feel so much better. I feel refreshed. Revived. There are tons of awesome scriptures about prayer, but this is one that my mom taught me about: (this is not exact, but is sort of a re-created convo for the purposes of this blog)

Mom: You know Matthew 7:7?
Me: Not really.
Mom: Yes you do: "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"

At some point, I chimed in and finished the verse. Of COURSE I know that scripture. Who doesn't?

Mom: Why is that written?
Me: ...
Mom: It's in the next verse: "For every one that asketh receiveth"

How simple is that? Prayer stops the nuclear chain reaction. It absorbs the "fear neutrons", it slows down the propagation. It turns things around, it repairs faith. Quite simply: prayer works. And not always in the ways that we think, or not in the ways that we have envisioned (at least not all the time). I prayed about a plethora of things, I asked for things, I knocked on doors, and what I received was peace. Clearly, that's not 100% of what I was asking for, but I can't knock it. I FEEL better. To continue to wallow in self-pity at this point, would be a purposeful act. It would be a willful dismissal of God's comfort. And I'm just not that far gone...

So today, in this moment, I thank God for His peace. And I just have to trust Him for my deliverance, and keep my eyes upon Him. Pray for me and my strength in the Lord.

Temptation: What's the Sin in That? Scene 1.5...or maybe this is an interlude...IDK

After the first post, there were some offline comments/questions that I wish to address.

Comment 1: I don’t get how any of the items you listed were actual sin. How is turning a stone into bread sin/how does this appeal to Pride/Anger?

First off, I’m a behaviorist. Meaning, I believe that the thought process of a person can be determined based on an examination of what they do. Do you ever do something ridiculous, and then say: “WHY did I do that?” The why is very important to understanding why yielding to temptation is sin, rather than the temptation itself.

Second, know that yielding to temptation is the gateway drug to full-blown sin. That’s why it’s clever. On the onset, temptation can appear totally innocuous, but it leads somewhere.

So let’s revisit:

1. “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.” – We already determined in Part 1 that Christ had the power to do this. But if he had done it…WHY would it have happened?
1. He would have yielded to the tempter (Satan), rather than resisting Him (see James 4:7)
2. In so yielding, He would have allowed Himself to be tempted into seeing bread as more than bread. It would now be something he NEEDED to sustain Him, and he’d be willing to heed the voice of his enemy in order to gratify His hunger. Personal gratification goes by another name: “Lust of the flesh.” (I John 2:16)

2. “I will give you all their authority and splendor; it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. If you worship me, it will all be yours.” – We’ve already pointed out that the Earth is the Lord’s; however, Satan has some sway in the earth. In many scriptures he is referred to as “the ruler of this world,” “the prince of the power of the air” etc. So let’s assume he has something of value to actually tempt Christ with. You can’t worship other Gods. That’s clearly a sin. If he had done it…WHY would he have done it?
1. Again, yielding. Yielding is BAD.
2. In so yielding, this would belie a desire for power and glory..in that instant. We know Christ will rule the world (Isaiah 9: 6 -7); it prophesied. Satan, however, was tempting Jesus to look out at the splendor of the world and desire it NOW. This personal aspiration for power/glory/control of what the devil was showing Him is called “the lust of the eye.” (I John 2:16)

3. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” This is a real scripture (Psalms 91:11). However, the two scriptures before that (Psalms 91:9-10) make it clear that the we are to be passive in these situations. Harm befalls and disaster comes. You don’t throw yourself into harm's way, or approach disaster ON PURPOSE. In this way you tempt God (which per Jesus’ quote is a sin) AND you boast in His protection and in the power you wield (aka “the boastful pride of life”).

So, it's the yielding that is a problem. When your previous course of action is changed, based on the introduction of a temptation, then that yielding is representative of a desire, that desire results in action, action based on an evil desire stemming from a temptation is a sin. See James 1:14-15 .

Comment 2 - I think death was the aim of Satan asking Christ to jump.

Okay, could be. But I just want to know this:

In any case, all this leads to Satan’s purpose which was to render Christ an ineffective sacrifice. Which will actually be covered in Temptation: Scene 2. Blah, blah, blah.

Temptation: What's THAT All About? Scene 1

Everyone has hang-ups, things about them that are kinda messed up. For me, I sometimes think that everything is about me. Vain, arrogant…ultimately: foolish. But when it comes to spiritual warfare, I’m not off the mark. Things that happened directly affect me, and are indirectly about me.

I’ve heard the story of the Temptation of Christ numerous times. . And my perception of the story changed a lot from when I was kid, to when I was an adult, to just 2 mornings ago in the shower. That’s right…sometimes thoughts come to me, when my mind should be on body wash and exfoliation.

For purposes of this blog, please take 45 seconds and read it again (Luke 4:1-13).

Thank you for your time.

Evolution of Thought

I. This is Dumb

When I was a kid, my thoughts regarding this scripture were more along the lines of: “Silly devil, Trix are for kids.” I thought everything that happened in the wilderness was ridiculous on the part of Satan because, umm…Jesus is God! When I was a kid, the whole fully God/fully Man thing didn’t mean a hill of beans to me. I was so focused on the “fully God” part that I spent my childhood wondering why Christ didn’t simply blast the devil with the lightning that I was certain He could just shoot out of His hand at will.

As I grew up I realized that God had subjected and submitted Himself to the bounds and limitations of human flesh. And so, my thoughts evolved to:

II. Oh!!! This is an Example

This is what I call the Hebrews 4:15 ideology. The Word became flesh so that It could get where I’m coming from. Duh! Jesus actually let himself be vulnerable (just by nature of being in the flesh) to the attack of Satan. This whole thing is an example of how to withstand the wiles of the wicked one. Jesus answered with scripture, we should respond with scripture. We have to be strong in the Word, it is our only weapon. All that is true, but (and this is part of my shower thought) this is an example of something else as well: how Satan operates:

Per that last verse (Luke 4:13), Satan seeks opportune times to tempt us:

1. When we’re alone – Jesus was by his lonesome in the wilderness.
2. When we’re in a weakened state – Jesus hadn’t eaten ANYTHING in 40 days

And Satan isn’t dumb at all! He’s quite clever. He will tempt you, and attempt to trick you, based on WHO YOU ARE. In this instance, Satan structured this temptation to get at what he figured would be Jesus' weak points based on the fact that He was both fully God and fully Man.

Appealing to the Reality of Jesus' Power

1. “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread.”
   Satan couldn’t tempt ME with that one, because—tragically—I cannot turn stones into bread. I don’t have that power. But Jesus does! If Jesus is hungry, why wait? He could’ve turned those stones into bread tastier than the most awesome thing Panera has to offer, but He didn’t. Why?

Appealing to Anger and Pride

2. “I will give you all their authority and splendor; it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. If you worship me, it will all be yours.” First off, per Psalms 24:1, this is a dirty lie. Jesus answers every temptation with scripture. Why didn’t He use this psalm? Because that's a Psalm of praise, and Jesus is all about humility. Satan was trying to provoke anger and pride by taking credit for Jesus' work (i.e. Creation).

Appealing to the Divinity of Christ

3. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down from here. For it is written: “‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” See how he tried to put Jesus on the spot? If you're the Son of God...jump! I won’t lie to you, up until 2 days ago in the shower I thought Satan was trying to trick Jesus into suicide. Genius!! But…it’s bigger than that. If I threw myself off of a cliff, I would die. If Jesus threw Himself off a cliff…what Satan said would happen would probably happen. But something else would happen as well. Something very terrible.

Remember what I said about everything being about me? In the shower, thinking about the whole attempted-trick-suicide thing, I realized, this is all about ME! Well, not just me, but rather us. It was about rendering Christ an:

III.“Ineffective Sacrifice”

Jesus is the perfect sacrifice for our sin, and Satan was pulling all those shenanigans in order to render it ineffective.

More on this in Temptation: Scene 2.

P.S. In case you didn't get my image at the top...that's Jesus at the cliff.

Black Beauty...and I'm not talkin' about a horse!

It's Halloweekend. So, in order to look semi-decent in my costume, it was imperative that I get my hair done. Since I am a procrastinator, instead of getting my hair done last week, on a Saturday or Sunday morning, I waited until Friday night. Friday night is when people, desperate to look cute for the weekend, flock to the salon trying to get "squeezed in" to what are already ridiculously over-penciled appointment books. So I journeyed out to Oxon Hill, MD after work for what turned out to be a harrowing experience.

This is one of the most difficult blogs to write, because I don't want to diss black culture. Not at all. But every black chick knows there are some things we have learned to accept:

1. You Will Wait

What time is your appointment? It doesn't even matter. If your appointment is any time after 11:30 am, you can bet that 45 min to an hour will elapse from the time you walk in the door to when you are seated in the beauticians chair. Yesterday, I was at fault. I came late (though I called ahead). So, I walked in the door at 7:00 pm, sat in the chair at 8:30 pm.

Caveat: What is especially egregious about this particular visit, was that there weren't even any magazines for me to read. I mean, come on! That's the staple of waiting areas worldwide. I feel like the black hair salon should be overflowing with back issues of Essence, Ebony/Jet, and Black Enterprise. But no, I had to sit there and just play with my phone.

2. You WILL Be Solicited

You want purses? They got purses! You want perfumes? They got all the smell goods you NEED! Is it raining outside? They will sell you an umbrella! Is it sunny outside? They will sell you an umbrella! But last night...it was taken to a new level. All the above were in play (minus the perfumes--this time...), but there was one salesman who had wares of a different type:


Salesman: I have flatirons. Top of the line flatirons. $80.
Chick getting her hair done: $80?!!
Saleseman: These are $140 in the stores!
Beautician (sounding tired): I've got all the flatirons I need.
Salesman starts to walk away in defeat...
Chick getting her hair done: ...$45?!
Salesman doesn't even look back.

Then he returns 10 minutes later with--are you ready for this--a wood floor panel.

Imagine you're sitting in the waiting area, and BOOM, a long wood panel starts coming through the door. This dude tried to sell FLOORING at the beauty salon. I think (maybe) I've seen it all. Needless to say, no one bought flooring at this time.

3. You Will Hear Crazy Conversations

There is no telling what you will overhear at the beauty salon. This is why headphones are really smart, and why engrossing magazines are a MUST. In any case, you may hear one-side of the conversation that your beautician is having on the phone. While doing your hair. With a Bluetooth in. These convos range from booking appointments to chatting with their boyfriend. The latter of which I find super annoying...because I am a single. But I digress.

Last night's crazy conversation though, was super awkward. I had to witness and endure the bullying of Shampoo Girl (who literally goes by the name "Shampoo Girl"). For those who don't know, a shampoo girl is a kid, between the ages of say 17 and 19, whose job it is to shampoo hair. This job usually goes to a cosmetology student...but I can't be certain in this particular case. Anyway, I listened to Shampoo Girl get berated for like a solid hour. She was repeatedly referred to as "Mongoloid." I don't know what this means, so...dictionary.com

Mongoloid - adj. relating to or characterized by Down's syndrome

...I just looked that up, and now I'm mad. I mean, that's just plain rude, and all around INCORRECT. Super uncool. Even not knowing what that meant exactly, I felt like the situation was getting out of hand. You can crack on someone a little. But there is a point when enough is enough. I had to surmise that they didn't like Shampoo Girl.

I get all of the above for $85+tip. Talk about a bargain. A friend told me of a black hair salon on the ground floor of her apartment building. This friend lives in WALKING DISTANCE of my house. So, just on the basis of convenience alone, I have to try this. I trek out to Oxon Hill, MD because I'm desperate. When I move to a new town...a hairdresser is amongst the first things I try to find.

Now, the following was not representative of my experience at the salon. But I LOVE it. It's too hilarious to not have more views (my only gripe: one curse word. I hate cursing): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KowVSOjDKtU

Good night cruel world!

No Hiking, No Jumping off Cliffs. So...I Don't Need a Parachute

I'm supposed to go hiking today. However, my knee has sustained an overuse injury. Upon going to the doctor for a green light on the hike, I was given a yellow:

"A hike?! Sure, you can go...but it'll hurt." :'(

Brooke's guest comment: "we are really going to miss kristen today. like, we'll be hiking, but i'll really be crying more than walking."

Yes, that means Brooke and all the hikers are starting to mill around my house--I was the meeting location.  They're already having fun WITHOUT me (weeping). This looks like a really cool group. I'm missing out. Maybe it's worth banging up my knee some more...no.

Okay, enough sadness.
-----------

So on Thursday I saw my ultimate Girl Crush in concert: INGRID MICHAELSON! I must say, it made my life. I mean, the experience was the perfect amount of drama and awesomeness and it begins with:

Cab Ride of Doom

So I leave work at 5:15 to catch 6:00 doors for the concert. As a city girl (I've lived in big cities: Chicago/DC for the past 4 years) I have never quite gotten the hang of how to manage a cab driver. For shame. They always offer you options that you can't really pick between:

Cab driver: So do you want to take 18th or 12th?
As a city girl, I know this is a dirty TRICK. One way equals more fare for him. The other way equals reduced fare and happiness for me. The game is on! Usually I ask "which way is fastest?" but I always think they're lying to get more fare. So since the concert venue is at 8th and V, I think that logically 12th is closer and say "Take 12th."

35 MINUTES LATER we are at 12th and I St. (many letters from V) and I'm concerned.

Me: Is there a faster way?! (desperation creeps into my voice)
Cab driver: (With fake apologetic tone) We should have taken 18th...it would have been faster. But now, we just have to wait. 
...
Cabbie for the win.

However, I still arrived at 6:04 where my friend, Marie, was holding down our spot in the line that stretched around 9th street for a SOLD OUT concert. Anxiety down.

The Balcony

We weren't the FIRST people to walk into the show, and given our statures (both very short), there was no sense in standing on the floor. Taller people would simply obstruct our view. So we looked up and BEHOLD the balcony was barren. So we go up there and block off our spots right against the railing: perfect view.

But oh no...we're thirsty. And oh no...we have to use the bathroom. The concert vultures are circling...waiting for the opportunity to steal our gravy position. Vultures who came at 645 and expect to just amble up the railing for a spot that others waited in line hours ago to secure. We took note of a kindred spirit next to us, and made a pact to hold down our entire area. So Marie goes to the restroom, and IMMEDIATELY two people tried to roll up. I was like "hey, this is my friends spot...she JUST went to the restroom." So I had to spread myself out a little to hold both spots. Then two people came up to threaten Kindred who was holding it down for her husband. She politely told these girls there was "no room for them."

Girl: There's nobody standing here so there's plenty of room.
Kindred: I told you my husband is getting food and drinks, so this spot is taken. 
Girl: I mean, you can't just block off this space. 
Kindred: I came early, and stood in the line to get this space. My husband is just getting food and drinks. And you're right there's TONS of room, just not in the front.

Boo yah! Girls had to step. Now had this been a rap concert, people might've had to throw down (Note: throw down = fight). But because this is Ingrid Michaelson, who sings about everybody just wanting to be loved, violence was improbable.

Concert

This concert was really late starting, but ultimately excellent. I cried at her cover of R.E.M. "Nightswimming." I cheered for her new songs: "Parachute" and "Annihilate." And I rocked out on her heavy metal version of "The Way I Am." Ingrid is truly awesome. She's funny, she always wears her glasses...we're like...solid. She's my fantasy BFF.

Ingrid quote of the year: "This song is shiny and happy. It's like care bears pooping skittles onto Strawberry Shortcake's bonnet...while drinking tang on a flower."

I loved the concert so much, and was so freaked out that I cried that I wrote a poem...the title needs work:

Ode to Ingrid

Totally captivated by the beauty of your voice,

Melody so pure and perfect, a teardrop had no choice

But to make its way to the edge of my eyelids,

It ran down to the corner and slid…down the curve of my face

A testimony to my basking in the melodic grace of your tunes

Even the hardest heart isn’t immune…I need a music vaccination

To curtail the symptoms of my fascination with your songs.

Peace!!

Waiting for What?

Every month I have fewer and fewer posts. I post more when I'm unhappy. It's kind of like how Mary J. Blige's BEST work is from when she was being cheated on and quite possibly...beaten. The music was awesome when her life was in shambles. Likewise, when my dating life was ridiculous, and my health was failing my blog soared, but now...

To summarize I am: (1) listless, (2) feeling directionless at the moment, and (3) not all that upset about it. It's a kind of dangerous complacence.

And it's not just my blog. It feels like my whole life is in a holding pattern, as if I am waiting for something to happen. Something to inspire me, something to change me...What am I waiting for? Is waiting always OK? When is waiting wrong?

Well, there are two situations that I think can be used to (potentially) answer these questions. Both situations deal with WAITING ON THE LORD.

Waiting on the Lord when:

There's Nothing More You Can Do

2 Chronicles 20 - This is a classic Bible story (well...they're ALL pretty classic, given how old they are, but this one is POPULAR).

Background: King Jeoshaphat is about to be attacked (and most definitely rocked) by a LOT of soldiers, far more than he and the Israeli army can defeat. The situation looks super bleak. There's really nothing he can do, except seek God's help (2 Chronicles 20: 3-4)

Once King J has gathered all the people together who are unified in their worship, he spits out an AMAZING prayer. I call it "The Prayer of Expectation." I posted another blog today about expectations, and it relates to the fact that we can wrongly expect certain behavior out of people who are not emotionally/mentally wired to meet our expectation. Thanks be to God, we don't have that problem with Him. The Lord has set precedents of His power and love, which we can draw on to fuel our expectations of him. See 2 Chronicles 20:5-12 for the whole prayer. My concentration is on verse 12 and 13:

"...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

This is a hardcore declaration of faith and trust in the Lord. He's saying: "We've got nothing. We're looking to you to deliver us." He puts 100% of the responsibility for his and the people's deliverance on the Lord. This is what it means to "Give it to God." In my opinion. Waiting like this is A-OK.

The rest of the story: God honored King J's prayer and caused confusion and craziness in the enemy camp. They all turned on each other and killed each other. The Israelites never had to lift a finger to fight.


There's Something You Can Do

Background: Jesus has just departed for Heaven. He basically told the disciples not to leave Jerusalem but wait there for the Holy Spirit, which would give them power to fulfill the mission He set out for them.

Acts 1:9-11

Jesus left and the disciples were there just standing around, gazing into heaven. And the two men (most likely angels, based on their choice of outfit), let them know that Jesus is coming back the same way He left: suddenly and without warning. You don't want to spend the wait time standing around.

The disciples surely didn't stand around; they immediately started setting up their ministry. First order of business: replacing Judas Iscariot. They held regular church meetings, which is why they were all together in the Upper Room when the Holy Spirit fell upon them.

So now we, also, wait. Wait for the coming of the Lord, but we can't just stand around gazing up into heaven...waiting for Christ to crack the cloud. We have to be about our Father's business. What does He want YOU to do? Got me! I'm still not sure what He wants ME to do (specifically--I know in general, see What's My Purpose). Maybe the more I pray about it...the more I blog about it, the sooner clarity will come.


Thoughts?


Well for the blog I have to just TYPE (regardless of my complacence).
And for the rest of my life...my eyes are upon the Lord.

Great Expectations: The Source of Fighting

"A hidden issue can't get triggered unless an expectation is violated." --random website


Expectations lead to violations, violations to disappointment, disappointment to fights. I HATE fights!

Some focus on the disappointment in friendships/relationships stemming from unreasonable expectations, but I think that's false. Expectations, separated from the person you have set them upon, cannot be unreasonable. I think it is rather an issue of misplaced expectations; placing our expectations on the wrong people. Not people who are wrong but who are rather, wrong for us and wrong for what we expect. These are people with different perceptions and worldviews. For example: If two people fall in love with each other, but have a different definition of what love is, what it looks like, what it feels like, etc. they will both experience grave disappointment. Neither one is wrong about love. It's just that their version of love is not what the other person expected.


Side Note: But what do you do about that "love" part? Even when it doesn't meet expectations, you still feel it. If it's a romantic relationship, I guess you have to decide if you want more. Either kick that person to the curb or settle for disappointment. With friendships, I think you can either alter your expectations to meet theirs, just to maintain the association. However, if you need more out of your friendships...I think you have to look for someone else to be your primary friend. Someone who has the same expectation of a friendship. That way you take the power away from the other person...that power to disappoint.

This is why compatibility (more so than attraction, or a few good times/memories) is SO key. When you want the same things, enjoy many of the same things, when you think the same things about love, jealousy, communication...when you have at least SOME common paradigms...then disappointment is less frequent, and less severe. This is because you both have the same expectations, and now it's just a matter of rightly exercised reciprocity (which has it's own pitfalls).  

The big question though--the one that is asked in friendships, in romantic relationships, in business-partnerships-gone-terribly-wrong--is the doozie: "Well...what did you expect?"

"..."


This is worth some investigation.